Screenwriting : Looking for feedback on a pilot script by Dustin Archibald

We look at screenplays every week on my YouTube channel. If you like, we can look at yours next week.

https://www.stage32.com/media/3500252380887264882?ref=search

First I want to say it’s refreshing to see a writer post a link to their work here. So many people keep it private, but it’s more useful to have material to read and comment on.

I don’t have time this morning to read more than a couple pages. My first reaction is that you write well! But you need to modify how you write for the screenplay form. Reduce words, be more direct with what we see and hear. Don’t write “internals” which we can’t see. Those first 3 paragraphs could be 3 sentences.

I was thrown off by the “mass of bodies” hitting the windshield. Tell us how many people are fighting instead. The introduction of “the hint of smoke” and “dark column” threw me too. Just be simple and direct. She notices smoke pouring down the street.

She hears a cat. No wait, it’s a baby. Again, we don’t know what she’s thinking. So the sound editor will use cat sound effects there… Do you want the audience to think it’s a cat? Why not just a baby from the start?

That’s all I have time for now. Hope this helps.

I read the first 12 page, I like your writing. For a first polish there are some easy things to fix. Beside the title page, probably the main problems are (1) cut up your paragraphs,; (2) a, don't start a parenthetical with a cap, b, as less action description in a parethetical as possible; (3) cut as many 'ing' forms as possible in your action lines; (4) 'keep' writing in the present tense; (5) keep the action and dialog flowing through logic, like:

MS. LOWEN

(pointing to the front

row, of course)

I'll give you the list after class.

Until then, how about you pair up

with Lily? There's a desk free

beside hers.

becomes:

MS. LOWEN

I'll give you the list after class.

Until then, how about you pair up

with Lily?

Points to the front row.

MS. LOWEN (CONT'D)

There's a free desk

beside her.

or

(If it's clear that we talk one desk per student)

MS. LOWEN (CONT'D)

How about you sit at the

free desk beside Lily?

But that's just my two cents...

Mike Boas Thanks for the feedback! Much appreciated!

- Internals: Yes, I was unsure what to do here. I wanted to convey to the actor what Asha was feeling, but not sure how to do that in script format. I'll remove those internals.

- The cat: From Asha's naive perspective she thinks it's a cat, but as she is thrown into the carnage she comes to realize it's something else. I'll work on that.

Rutger Oosterhoff Thanks for the feedback! I'll dig in and fix those issues.

Preston Poulter I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of public criticism lol.

I'm happy to look at it for you!! Let me know where I can find it online, or feel free to e-mail it to me at my work e-mail address at sillysideproductions@gmail.com

Internals/non-filmables can help you paint a picture/write juicy action lines sometimes, Dustin Archibald, which could attract producers, directors, actors, etc. to your script. I suggest using them sparingly though.

Niki Galiano Thanks! It can be found at https://drive.google.com/file/d/1r9-C3Grq3chG5tZUKu-_mqfVU1bqFYOS/view?u...

Maurice Vaughan Thanks for the advice! I'll make sure to revise the script with that in mind.

You're welcome, Dustin Archibald. I used to avoid writing internals/non-filmables in my scripts, and my action lines were plain/boring. I kept getting notes that I needed to make my action lines more exciting/attractive, and using internals/non-filmables helped.