Screenwriting : Work shopping a logline by Bruce Spiegelman

Stick to your gut of course but sex toy manufacture as the uplifting salvation of the town sends too mixed a message, even if the religious overtones suggest great hypocrisy. I'm thinking you'll have an easier chance to sell the idea if the solution the younger woman comes up with is at worst neutral and at best uplifting, not just to the audience but to the religious folks in the town. Example: A town built on classical composers is now out of step and is saved by punk or Hip Hop. But Bible manufacture (or whatever) to sex toys is probably a bridge too far for an audience and therefore will make execs hesitant. I could be wrong so stick to your gut if you have to.

Appreciate the thoughtful feedback, but the message of the screenplay (women empowerment, equality, etc) is all about the the solution. That is where the irony lies.

Ho Bruce Spiegelman - this has an essence of the hit movie and Broadway show KINKY BOOTS -

if you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a watch to see how they hit these nuanced ideas.

I also highly recommend this Stage 32 webinar on how to write Loglines that are most effective in the industry - Christopher is an amazing and super experienced resources in this area: https://www.stage32.com/education/search?term=Log+line&h=how-to-make-your-logline-attractive-to-a-list-actors-producers-directors-managers-agents-financiers-and-development-execs

Thanks for the comment. I have seen it and it was a bit of an influence on this script.

I don't think you need "before it shuts down," Bruce Spiegelman. We already know the stakes from "save it and the family factory." Also, maybe change "family factory by retooling it" to "family business by retooling the factory." Other than those two things, I think you have a solid logline.

Thank you.. I was going back and forth on that one. I think you're right.

I am by no means the authority figure on what works. So the central problem is the factory going out of business? I think going to sex toy manufacturer to save the town I think leaves alot to be desired. I think escalating the problem beyond just one factory closing down or making the stakes higher may help. Obviously this is your movie and I can appreciate that.

You're welcome, Bruce Spiegelman.

I also am not an authority, so please excuse me if I'm overstepping here, but the main difference between the two loglines seems to be the inclusion of the strained relationship with the mother in the original. That had me questioning if the relationship with the mother was sort of the essence of the story, and the factory was the means of exploring it? As you said the script was about female empowerment, could a line about something like "three generations of women navigating their way through life and business with an unorthodox gamble" be included to hammer that point home? I too thought of something more along the lines of Kinky Boots, now I'm unsure if that's right tonally.

Kate -- Excellent points!!!! That helps.

The kind of movie I'd watch.

A runaway returns home to her deeply religious hometown, becoming their last hope to save the factory and introduces sex toys as their heaven sent savior.

Is the main issue with herself (being buttoned up), her mother, the religious town, or trying to save the family business?

Try distilling it a bit more with something like "In order to save the family business, a buttoned up young woman returns to the life she fled and stuns the religious town when she retools the factory to produce sex toys." Depending on which aspect is most vital to the story, you can move the phrases around, subsitute the mom for the town ("upends the relationship with her mother"), and eliminate extraneous pieces.

Paula - Thank you. That's an easy to read change that improves it

This is pretty much the plot of Kinky Boots. Pointing it out not because I think you copied it, but because it is close enough in plot that you have to consider it.

It's actually not even close, but on a cursory level I can see how that comes to mind.

Bruce, I like the new logline you cooked up! Thanks for posting!