Great title, Matt Walker! I think your logline needs more info. Here’s a logline template that might help:

“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the main character’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ _______ (an adjective that describes the main character’s personality and the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).

Also, I read the synopsis. Your concept is interesting, but I don't think you have much to work with story wise. I think if you developed your concept more, you'll have a really unique script.

Thanks Maurice! That template is great. I'm struggling with this one though because it's a existentialist script pulling from films like Stalker or Waiting for Godot, where the plot is secondary to the theme... I'll work on it...

You're welcome, Matt Walker. I haven't heard of an existentialist script. The loglines for them might be different.

I think I dialed it in a bit! Again, thanks again for the feedback!

You're welcome, Matt Walker. Your logline's better. I don't think you need a comma after "includes."