Hey Charles, this may read a little better: "A reclusive entrepreneur agonizes over a spate of family’s financial collapse and suicides, due to their kid's incessant hi-tech demands, so he pressures technology Barons to reform their greed-driven business practices and eradicate the social malaise."

Thank you Graham Mulvein. I indeed welcome alternative suggestions rather than ratings. They are far more beneficial. Ratings are better applied to the finished movies. Back to the Logline, the story is about nationwide malaise “over a spate of families’ financial collapse and suicides due to kids' incessant hi-tech demands," but one could adapt your Logline too. In supplying alternatives, I would also appreciate noting where fundamental elements have gone missing i.e. protagonist, inciting incident, the action and the stake. I do that if I can myself, but it's very time consuming, I have to admit. But that’s where the fun is and everybody can learn.

That's great Charles, just don',t get wrapped up in too many words. Trick is to keep it as tight verbally and short as you can.

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Charles V Abela I think Graham means a logLINE is that, ONE LINE. It's often hard to put a script into a synopsis and that into a logline, but it's an invaluable part of pitching.