A talking baby, with attitude, is born. A local Mafia Don believes that the baby is the "second coming", and sets about shutting the baby up, before he shuts down the Don's organisation for good.

SYNOPSIS:

It is the Christmas season. Joe and Mary are Cockney's. They hail from the East end of London, England, and they are not very bright.

Joe is pretty dim, but with a good heart, and Mary is equally dim, and an "apparent" adulteress. Joe and Mary take a night out on the town. Mary is heavily pregnant, supposedly by Joes' friend Gabe. Joe is oblivious to her condition, and just thinks she is putting on weight.

Their only means of transport, their Harley Davidson trike, breaks down, so they are forced to find accommodation for the night. The only place they can find has no room available, but Joe talks the manager into letting them stay in his garage.

The following morning, Joe goes into town to get some breakfast. It is here that he meets three very strange men carrying gifts of an Uzi, seaweed, and condoms. The leader is a short officious man, the second is an out of date hippy, and the third is a very rude fat man called Curly. They claim to be looking for the new born "King".

When Joe returns to the garage, he finds Mary is slim again, and there is a baby in the back of the trike. Mary claims to have found it!

The owner of the Inn suggests that they take the baby home with them.

Ceasaro, the Mafia Boss, hears of the birth. He believes in the prophesy of a second coming. He believes that a new baby has been sent to end his rule of tyranny and oppression. To this end, Cesaro sends some of his men to find the new 'King', but after an attempt to break into Gracelands by two of his daftest employees, he decides to enlist the talents of his number one assassin, Mr. Pilot, who in turn, enlists the talents of his street gang crew, The Centurions.

Whilst on the road in the trike, Joe meets up with a Hells Angels chapter called The Desciples. He befriends them, and they agree to help protect the baby. Whilst having a stroll through the park one day, Jez shows people how to walk on water; all except Curly, who promptly sinks. After a storm ensues during their time in the park, they all head into the nearest bar. It is here that Jez decides it's a good time to begin spreading the word of a life filled with righteousness and virtue, by getting them all stoned on seaweed.

The baby is kidnapped by The Centurions, and taken to Cesaro.

The disciples agree to help get him back, ably assisted by Joe's friend, Gabe, who is actually an angel.

A show down ensues at a disused fair ground next to the old zoo. It is the baby's aim to convert the Centurions from their ways of evil doing, which he accomplishes by having them all thrown into a water shoot, where his good friend, Jonny, is waiting to baptize them.

A second show down ensues at the mansion of Mafia boss, Ceasaro. Mr. P (Pilot), refuses to be converted, and is promptly sent down to Satan. Ceasaro accepts his conversion and is baptized in front of the new King. It is the baby, dressed up in a little Elvis Presley jump suit.

THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE BABY

The Good, The Bad, & The Baby

SCREENPLAY BY

DAVID LEE WEBB

Copyright (c) 2015 This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

E-MAIL:DAVELEE2136@HOTMAIL.COM

TELEPHONE: (OO44) 07478 730290

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK GHETTO - ROAD - DAY

PRESENT DAY

JOSEPH (Joe) is coming down the hill on a Harley Davidson trike. The trike engine has a THROATY ROAR sound to it. He parks up and walks towards a ghetto apartment block. He is a broadly built man with a handsome, rugged face. He is about 35 years old and walks with an East End swagger. He's an all round decent guy. He looks a lot meaner than he actually is.

Small groups of PEOPLE are gathered along the street. Some are SINGING, some are RAPPING, and some are fiddling with guns and knives.

A little old LADY is hobbling down the street towards a group of YOUNG MEN fiddling with knives. The young men begin to VERBALLY taunt the old lady.

Joe steps between the old lady and the youths, and is about to tackle them, when the old lady pushes past Joe, and subsequently ASKS him to hold her handbag. A puzzled Joe obliges. The little old Lady then proceeds to beat the youths up. She is throwing punches and kicking them.

All of the youths are laying on the floor and writhing in agony.

The old Lady casually takes her handbag back off Joe.

old lady

Thank you young man, I don't know what I would have done against these ruffians if you hadn't been here.

Joe LOOKS at her in complete bewilderment.

JOE (QUIETLY TO HIMSELF)

Killed 'em I shouldn't wonder...(THEN) Oh, no problem...I'm glad I was here sweetheart.

Joe LOOKS down at the youths on the ground.

JOE (CONT'D)

I bet they are too!

The old Lady casually walks away.

Joe is "THE GOOD".

Joe walks up to his apartment. His wife, MARY, is in the kitchen, she is about 30 years old with long flowing blond hair. She is totally gorgeous. She is cooking what looks like stew. There is smoke billowing from the sauce pan, and as much as she is very attractive, she is not a good cook. Joe and Mary are both English. They come from the East End of London. They both have broad cockney accents, and they're not too bright.

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - kitchen - DAY

Joe walks in.

MARY

Hello babe, how's your day been?

Joe sits down on the sofa. He looks totally fed up.

JOE

Bloody awful! There's just no work about. Do you think we made a mistake comin' over here in the first place darlin'?

Mary walks over to him and gentle kisses his cheek.

MARY

Don't worry babe, something'll turn up, it always does. We've had harder times than this ain't we eh!

JOE

Turn up, the only thing likely to turn up is my toes. You know this neighborhood has gone right down hill since that Cesaro geezer let his gorillas loose all over the place.

MARY

Who?

JOE

Cesaro!

MARY

Cesaro? Ain't that a salad?

JOE

Nah you bloody great puddin'. He's that Mafia boss that seems hell bent on taking over the entire city. I tell you girl, somethin' needs to be done about him, and soon. Anyway, how's your day been sweetheart?

MARY

Oh much the same as every other day. Mind you, your mate came round earlier, you know, the one who keeps tellin' you that you should go into business for yourself. He was here quite a while. He's an absolute angel he is you know. He kept on talkin' to me about how we should have a baby, you know, just in time for Christmas for some reason.

JOE

Oh GABE, yeah, he was talkin' to me about that a few weeks ago an' all, but the last thing we need is a baby 'angin' round our throats. I mean, they don't 'alf take some lookin' after you know.

MARY

He means well though doesn't he babe, eh?

JOE

Yeah, I know. He's a strange sort o' geezer ain't he eh?

mary

I think he's nice.

joe

Yeah! Nice and strange. He comes 'round here a lot lately don't he. You know I must admit, when I first met him I used to think he had it in for me!

Mary looks away a little embarrassed.

MARY (TO HERSELF)

Oh he had it in for you today alright. It was immaculate.

JOE

Are you alright sweetheart? You've gone a bit red!

MARY

Oh yeah I'm fine, it's just the heat off the cooker, that's all babe.

Mary looks up to the sky as if to say "Blimey that was close"

MARY (CONT'D)

Anyway, why don't you do as Gabriel says and open your own wood working shop, you've always been good with your hands (then quietly to herself; (I'm pleased to say)) and God knows we could use the money.

JOE

You know, I might just do that darlin'. I think I'll go and see him and see what sort of ideas he's got.

MARY

Oh, it's OK love, you've had a hard day. You sit yourself down and I'll fetch you a nice cup of tea to go with your dinner OK. Then I'll go and see Gabriel and see if he wants to come up again...I mean come over.

Mary serves Joes' dinner. The stew comes out as a single lump and CLUMPS onto his plate. She puts it on the table in front of Joe. She straightens her dress and then she checks herself in the mirror, then she dabs behind her ears with scent and leaves the apartment. Joe is trying to slice through the stew with a saw.

INT. MANSION - DAY

9 MONTHS LATER - DECEMBER - JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS

This is a highly luxurious and secluded mansion. Armed GUARDS are scattered around the property. There are several black Cadillacs parked in the expansive driveway. It is the home of notorious Mafia Boss, DON JULIANO CESARO.

INT. MANSION - lounge - DAY

There is a TALL THIN MAN sitting at a large mahogany table. His name is JIMMY. He is speaking to somebody on the telephone. When Jimmy speaks, he speaks in an imitation of JAMES CAGNEY, complete with all of his mannerisms.

JIMMY

So you really believe that this prophesy is coming true? (PAUSE) So how do you think we should deal with it? (PAUSE) Ok Don, I'll gather all the boys together for a meeting tonight.

INT. MANSION - OFFICE - DAY

A silhouetted MAN SLAMS a phone back onto the receiver. The man is very large, even when sat down, and large plumes of smoke are billowing from a cigar in his mouth. This is THE DON. He is "THE BAD"

Jimmy hangs up the phone, then picks it back up and begins to dial.

JIMMY (CONT'D)

MOMO, it's Jimmy, the Don wants you to send the word to all the guys that there is a special meeting tonight (PAUSE) I don't know what for, just tell the guys to be there, and don't be late, I've seen the Don in happier moods (PAUSE) Ok.

Jimmy hangs up the phone, and picks up the book he was reading. It is called, THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE BABY.

INT. JOE'S WORKSHOP - DAY

9 MONTHS LATER.

Joe is cutting up long planks of wood. There are various items of furniture at different stages of fabrication. The Harley Davidson Trike is in the corner of the workshop. Mary walks in. She is heavily pregnant.

MARY

Here you are love, a nice cold beer, and I baked you a few cakes, you know, keep your strength up.

Joe takes the drink and drops one of the cakes on the table. The table subsequently falls apart.

JOE

Oh well. Thanks anyway sweetheart. You know, takin' Gabe's advice and startin' our own business is the best thing we've ever done.

MARY

I knew it would work babe. I'm so proud of you.

She gives Joe a hug and a kiss.

JOE

'Ere, you know you aren't half bangin' on some weight darlin', I don't mean to be rude, but your belly's getting massive. It looks like you've sat on something you shouldn't have and it's pumped you up.

Mary gives a little knowing chuckle.

JOE (CONT'D)

Maybe you should ask that God of yours and see if he can help you out a little.

MARY

Yeah, I suppose a little divine intervention won't do any harm.

She looks to the sky and bites her bottom lip.

JOE

Listen, I tell you what, I've managed to sell a bit more furniture than I expected to this week, 'ow about we have a night off eh! We could go down town. There's a new place just opened called SLAPPY JACKS, or something, we could check out the scene down there if you like.

MARY

Are you sure we afford it babe?

JOE

Sure I'm sure. We'll take the bike (then to himself; (both of you)).

MARY

Yeah OK then, I'll go and get myself ready.

She waddles towards the door then stops abruptly.

MARY (CONT'D)

'Ere, shall I ask Gabe if he wants to come too?

JOE

Nah, I doubt if he'd come. I don't know what he gets up to, but I don't see that much of him these days and when I do he's half asleep. Strange really, 'cus nine months ago he wouldn't leave us alone would he eh? I thought he would at least have got in touch. Sometimes I get the feeling he's trying to avoid me.

Marys' eyes open wide as she turns and walks out of the workshop. She is mumbling to herself.

MARY (TO HERSELF)

Yeah! I'm glad you don't know what he gets up to as well.

INT. SLAPPY JACKS NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

Joe and Mary are dancing on a very busy dance floor. The club is decorated with Christmas items. The DJ, who is dressed up as Santa, announces that it is "SLAPPY HOUR".

DJ

OK, here we go people, iiiit's SLAPPY HOURRRR! So come on guys, who's gonna start us off tonight?

Just as the DJ finishes speaking, A MAN with a very big nose bumps into Joe.

JOE

Oi, watch where you're going mate!

MAN

Go to hell you jerk!

JOE (SURPRISED ANNOYANCE)

What did you just say?

MAN

You heard me jag-off.

JOE

Why the bleedin' hell do you hav...

The man interrupts Joe.

MAN

Come on man, this is Slappy Jacks, hit me guy.

Joe looks to Mary.

MARY

Go on babe, stick one on him.

JOE

OK

Joe punches him once and knocks him down, and then "slappy hour" begins in earnest! The mans' GIRLFRIEND walks up and SLAPS Joe across the face, so Mary SLAPS her across the face, then her FRIEND SLAPS Mary across the face, so Joe SLAPS her across the face. Her BOYFRIEND then SLAPS Joe across the face, so Mary SLAPS him across the face. Meanwhile, the first man is getting up. Joe looks at him.

JOE (LOUDLY)

Hold On, time out everybody!

Joe makes the familiar sign for a time out, and everybody stops slapping each other.

MAN

You're only supposed to slap me man, not knock my damn head off.

JOE

Oh, sorry mate! Do you mean somethin' like this?

Joe slaps him, and consequently knocks him out again. Joe looked at Mary, and they both shrug their shoulders.

JOE (CONT'D)

OK, time in everybody.

The crowd continues to SLAP each other, with more and more PEOPLE getting involved.

EXT. SLAPPY JACKS NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

Joe and Mary walk out of the club. Their faces are covered in red hand marks, and their clothes are torn. There is snow on the ground.

JOE

Well that's gotta be the freakiest night club I've ever been to. Slappy Jacks by name, and definitely slap happy by nature. Did you have a good time darling?

MARY

Yeah, brilliant! It was just like being back home wasn't it eh? 'Ere, didn't that bloke have a big nose, you know before you squashed it down a bit for him.

JOE

Yeah, I think that's what he bumped in to me with.

Mary climbs in to the back of the trike, as Joe tries to start it.

JOE (CONT'D)

Oh Christ, the bloody thing won't start. I told you we should never have bought one of these.

MARY

But you didn't buy it babe, you nicked it!

JOE

Well it's the same thing innit? Oh well, we'll have to walk. We'll see if we can find some cheap digs for the night.

MARY

Can't we just get a cab home babe?

JOE (IRRITABLY)

No, we can't just get a cab home babe. I've only got twenty five dollars left.

MARY

Oh bleedin' hell. Alright then, help me off this bloody thing.

Being the rough-cut gentleman that he is, Joe takes her hand and helps her off the trike.

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

2 HOURS LATER.

Joe is pushing the trike along the road, Mary is sat on it, she is steering.

MARY

Thanks for not making me walk babe. I hope we find somewhere open soon, my bloody back's killing me.

JOE

Well I ain't surprised, it can't be too comfortable sittin' up there can it eh? I mean, I'm havin' a great time pushing this thing all over town. Bloody Harley Davidson's!

MARY

Ooh look Joe, there's a place over there. Why don't we try that one?

There is a small shabby Inn that is advertising accommodation via a FLICKERING NEON SIGN. There is a collection of custom made chopper motorcycles, and a huge Christmas tree in the parking lot.

JOE

The Cross and Nail, what sort of idiot would call their pub that eh? They must be bleedin' barmy. Well it looks a bit rough, but I suppose it's better than sod all. Come on, let's see if they've got any room at the Inn.

EXT. CROSS AND NAIL INN - NIGHT

Joe walks to the front door. It is locked, so he knocks. There is no answer. He turns to Mary.

JOE

I don't think anybody's home darlin'.

MARY

Well try again babe, I'm bloody freezin'.

Joe KNOCKS on the door again. This time we hear LOUD FOOTSTEPS from inside. The INNKEEPER opens the door. He is about 50, very small, and bald. He is wearing an old fashioned bed gown, and a night cap on his head. Joe looks at the Innkeeper, and looks down at his feet. The Innkeeper is wearing slippers. The innkeeper speaks with a very refined, English Gentry accent. His name is JOHNNY.

JOHNNY

May I help you?

JOE

Yeah, I bloody well hope so mate; me and the wife have come for a night out you see, and the trike's broke down and we're both bushed, and wondered if you've got any vacancies.

JOHNNY

Oh I'm very sorry but I'm afraid I have just this moment let out the remainder of our rooms. As you can see Sir, we are completely full up.

JOE

Oh bloody hell.

Joe turns to Mary.

JOE (CONT'D)

They're full up love.

Johnny looks at the trike.

JOHNNY

Is that your motor cycle sir?

JOE

Yes mate, it's a trike, and that's knackered an' all.

JOHNNY

Pray tell me, would your name happen to be Joseph?

JOE

Yeah, Joe, how the bloody 'ell did you....

Johnny interrupts Joe mid sentence.

JOHNNY

Well you've cut it a little fine, but at least you're here now.

JOE

Eh?

Johnny then turns his attention to Mary.

JOHNNY

And I trust you would be the delightful Mary.

MARY

Yeah that's right, he's a good guesser ain't he babe.

JOE

Yeah, not many. 'Ere, how come you know us then eh?

JOHNNY

I'll explain it all to you both later, I've been expecting you.

JOE

'ave you?

JOHNNY

Yes, but I was informed that you would be arriving 3 days ago and when you didn't arrive, I had to let your room out.

Johhny looks up to the heavens.

JOHNNY (CONT'D)

I'm sorry, but I still have a business to run.

Joe looks up with a confused expression on his face.

JOE

Listen chief, I dunno what the hell your talking about, but have you got any room left or not, only we're bloody freezing out here.

JOHNNY

Well, we do have a garage around the back. You are quite welcome to put your trike in there if you wish.

JOE

Oh yeah, nice one. Listen if that's goin' in there, can't we just crash down in there for the night' I mean we'll be no trouble, I promise.

JOHNNY

Oh very well. But just keep the noise down please; as you can see we do have other guests here.

Joe looks across to the choppers.

JOE

Oh yeah, no problem chief. We don't like attention anyway. Trust me, you won't even know we're here.

Joe pushes the trike into the garage. Johnny is promptly joined by a group of Hells Angels. The leader of the pack is a muscle bound man, with long white hair and a "ZZ TOP" style mustache and beard. His name is PETE, and he speaks with a guttural Southern drawl.

PETE

Is that them Johnny?

JOHNNY

Oh yes, that's them alright. You know they could very well be the daftest two people on the planet, but at least they're here now so that takes care of phase one, so let's get phase two underway. Now you all know what you've been bought here for, and what you have got to do.

PETE

No problem, leave it to us. They're in very good hands.

Pete and Johnny give each other a "high five". Johnny has to jump to reach Pete's hand.

INT. GARAGE - DAY

It is the morning after. Joe is lying next to the trike with his arm over its fuel tank. The garage is strewn with bits of junk, old tires and paint cans. Mary is walking around rubbing her stomach . Joe wakes up, and stretches his arms.

JOE

Morning love, what's for breakfast?

MARY

Nothing yet, you'll need to go in to the town and pick something up babe.

JOE

OK sweetheart. 'Ere, you look a bit peaky this morning, are you alright?

MARY

No, I'm bloody knackered! My belly don't half hurt this morning. I've been up all bleedin' night. It must have been all that walking we done.

JOE

Yeah, it could be, or it might be that dodgy Italian food you was shoveling down you throat last night, you know what I mean? I tell you what, while I'm in the town, why don't you sit yourself down in the back of the trike eh, see if that helps. I won't be long.

Joe walks out of the garage and heads towards the town center.

EXT. TOWN STREETS - DAY

The town is very busy. There is a real Christmas feel to the town. Hundreds of PEOPLE are milling about. There are lots of little side street shops selling all manner of merchandise, and all are decorated for Christmas. Joe is just leaving one of the shops with some bread and fish in his hands. As he turns onto the side walk he bumps into three GENTLEMEN. The food is knocked out of his hands. He bends down to pick it up.

JOE

Oh you clumsy great pillock. Why can't you watch where you're going eh? Now look what you've done, all my grub's fell on the bloody floor.

Joe stands and looks at the three gentlemen. His eyes open wide at the sight before him. They all look about 40 years old, and would look more at home in a bazaar in the Middle East with their long robes. They are each carrying gifts wrapped in colored paper. One of the men (MO) is short and officious looking with spiky hair. When he speaks, it is clear that he is the leader of the three men. He is not aggressive, but he is definitely in charge. The man in the middle (LARRY) looks like a classic hippie, with his head bandanna and his designer shades, and he speaks in a very laid back, and easy going manner. Nothing appears to bother him too much. The third man (CURLY) wears a turban on his bald head, and he is very fat. When he speaks to anybody at all, his voice and manners become increasingly agitated, and profane.

JOE (CONT'D)

Bloody hell, I thought I had problems. What do you three look like? Who the hell are you anyway, and what planet do you come from?

The three men look at him in bewilderment.

MO

It's a long story bub, but we´re not exactly from around here. My name is Mourice, you can call me Mo. This is LAWRENCE, but we call him Larry, and the fat one is CURTIS, we call him Curly, but you can call him what ever you want.

JOE

Well what you doin' dressed like that? Are you doin' it for a bet or somethin'?

MO

That's an even longer story. Listen, we're looking for the King, I don't suppose you've seen him around have you? It sure would help us out you know.

JOE

Ooh, what are those things you're carrying? Which shop did you get them from? I could do with picking a little something up for the wife, she's feeling a bit under the weather you know what I mean.

When Larry speaks, his tone is very relaxed.

LARRY

We have bought gifts for the King, man.

JOE

Gifts for who?

LARRY

The King baby, the new savior of man!

JOE

Listen mate, I don't know where you've come from or what you've been smokin', but I don't think you're goin' to find a King anywhere around here. I mean come on, if you were a King, would you spend your Christmas here, in this neighborhood, eh? I don't think so.

The fat man (Curly) steps forward. When he speaks, his tone becomes increasingly agitated.

CURLY

No you don't understand you num-nut. He has just been born. He is the second coming. It has been foretold for two thousand years you asshole. We have followed a Goddamn star that has led us here, and we've gotta help him clean the Goddamm city up.

JOE

'Ere porky, let me show you a little somethin' I learned in a night club just last night.

Curly leans closer to Joe.

CURLY

What?

Joe slaps Curly. Curly promptly falls flat on his face. Joe looks at the other two men.

JOE

Well that's what happens in the night club when someone gets lippy. I don't like it, but I won't 'ave people usin' bad bloody language in public.

MO

Oh don't worry, we've told him not to speak to anyone, ever, because when he does, people have the overwhelming urge to hit him. He is right though. We've been sent here to help clean the place up; get things back to how they used to be.

JOE

What do you mean, the way things used to be?

MO

Well there's a big shot Mafia boss called Cesaro and his organization that are tearing the city apart, so we've been sent to help the king to put him and his kind outta business, get things back to how they used to be, savvy?

JOE (CONFUSED)

Oh, right, what ever. Now, let me get this right; you fellas are looking for a new born baby; you've gotta 'elp him clean somethin' up, and you've got presents for him, I see, so there might be a party in the offing then eh, you know, wet the baby's head and all that. Well that'll cheer the wife up I've no doubt. Likes a good knees up does our Mary! Listen, I'm stayin' at the Cross and Nail, it's a little bar just on the edge of town. Come up and give me a nudge about that party OK. I'll probably see you later.

Joe heads home with his arms full of bread and fish. Curly gets back up, and the three men watch Joe walk away with extremely confused looks on their faces.

MO

I knew it was a mistake listening to you two. Follow the star, you both told me, follow the star, that'll show us the way. Follow the star my ass, it was a 747 going to JFK you jerks. Come on, let's keep looking, he's got to be around here somewhere. Just keep you ears peeled for screaming and your nose open for diapers, we'll find him. And I don't care what the prophesies say, we're changing clothes.

LARRY

But Mo, the boss said we gotta follow tradition, we're supposed to look the part to make the little guy feel at home.

MO

The hell with tradition, I feel ridiculous in this get up. Come on, let's get movin'.

INT. GARAGE - DAY

Joe walks in with his arms full of bread and fish. Mary has found an old rusty B-B-Q. She is trying to get it working to cook breakfast. She looks very slim all of a sudden.

JOE

'Ere girl, hold up, what's happened to your belly?

MARY

Well I took your advice, and had a little sit down, and when I got back up I was like this babe.

JOE

Well I gotta say you're looking good my girl. I'm kinda glad I bought you with me now.

MARY

Oh babe, you say the sweetest things, you really do. Oh, by the way, look what I've found!

Mary walks over to the trike. Joe follows her. She points to the back seat, upon which, lies a little BABY.

JOE

Cor blimey, who's that then?

MARY

I dunno, I got up and found that old B-B-Q over there, and when I looked back, there he was.

JOE

Eh, I tell you what, he don't half look like Gabe doesn't he.

MARY

Oh, yeah, now you mention it I suppose he does.

Mary rolls her eyes to the sky in resignation at Joes' complete lack of savvy.

JOE

Anyway, I got bread and fish for breakfast. I tell you what darlin', there's some really strange looking fellas walking around the town. They reckon they're looking for a King who's just been born. A King! I ask you, around here, they must be off their bleedin' chumps. They reckon they've gotta help him clean the place up, what ever that means. Mind you, they have got a point. I've been readin' about that Cesaro geezer they were talkin' about. He's been knockin' seven bells out of every legitimate business in the city; I suppose it's only a matter of time before he has a pop at us. Anyway, you get started on breakfast, I'll see if I can cadge a cup of tea off that geezer in the bar.

Joe walks out looking back in wonderment at the little baby on the back of his trike. The baby's eye twinkles at him. The baby is "THE BABY".

Mary gets on with cooking breakfast.

INT. INN - DAY

Joe approaches Johhny.

JOE

Mornin' guvna, listen is there any chance of a couple of cups o' rosy for me and the wife?

JOHNNY

My Name sir, is Jonathan, John or Johnny, should you feel the need to address me. Now if you will kindly explain to me exactly what rosy is, I shall endeavor to assist you in any way I can. OK with you? Good.

JOE

Rosy Lee, you know, tea.

Johnny gives a heavy sigh.

JOHNNY

Well, yes I suppose so.

Johnny turns to make the tea.

JOHNNY (CONT'D)

I trust you slept well!

JOE

Oh yeah, smashing thanks chief. Eh listen, who's is that baby in there?

Johnny turns to face Joe with a curious look on his face.

JOE (CONT'D)

My old woman found it on the trike this morning. I went out to get some breakfast, and when I got back there's a bleedin' baby there.

JOHNNY

Oh good, he's arrived.

JOE

Oh you know about him then!

JOHNNY

Yes, we've been expecting him. It's not quite the 25th, but the important thing is that he is here.

JOE

Well who the bleedin' hell is he then?

JOHNNY

Kindly refrain from using the vernacular when speaking of him. He is the reason you have been sent to me.

JOE

Eh?

JOHNNY

Well as I said last night, when you arrived, 3 days late I may add, I will explain. You have been sent to me in order that I make available to you all necessary arrangements for the protection of the baby. You have been chosen as his guardians from a much higher authority. He has come to us to begin ridding the world of tyranny and oppression, and to instill in people a new hope of enlightenment, and redemption. New York is where he shall begin his works, educating the local mafia and hoods in the benefits of living a life filled with virtue, and righteousness.

JOE

Eh?

JOHNNY

Think about it Joseph, A new born baby, in a garage, at Christmas! Is it ringing any bells yet?

JOE

Eh?

JOHNNY

Give it a little while, I'm quite sure even you will catch on eventually.

JOE

I ain't got a clue what your jabberin' on about mate. Well what do you want us to do with it then?

JOHNNY

That Joseph, I shall have to leave in your capable hands for the time being. Obviously I use the term capable in its loosest possible sense. Now, I suggest you take your tea, you may keep the cups, have your breakfast, try not to burn down the garage, and I shall be in touch.

JOE

Oh yeah, no problem chief. I suppose we'll just have to take him home with us then. I hope he's bloody house trained. Oh well, thanks for the tea mate. Oh, by the way, there might be a few funny looking geezers callin' round for me later; Curly, Larry and Mo, that's their names. If you see 'em, give 'em this will you, it's my address, it tells 'em where I live. Cheers guvna, sorry, Johnny.

JOHNNY

Fear not Joseph, I know the gentlemen of whom you speak, and I have your address already.

Joe has a confused look on his face.

JOE

Oh right...OK then...I'll see you later.

Joe takes his two cups of tea and returns to the garage.

INT. GARAGE - DAY

Mary is B-B-Q'ing the fish, and has filled the garage with smoke. Joe walks in.

JOE

Bloody 'ell girl, what you been up to?

MARY

Sorry babe, the fish got a little bit overdone!

JOE

Overdone! I should say so. Well at least you had the sense to open a window.

MARY

Oh that wasn't my idea babe, it was his!

JOE

Who's?

MARY

His, the baby's, he shouted at me to open a window, cheeky little bleeder! Don't they learn to talk fast over here!

JOE

Yeah! Eh listen, I was talking to the gaffer about the nipper, he reckons he was expecting us and the little chavvy here, and that we're supposed to be lookin' after him. He reckons he's in charge of cleanin' the place up, or somethin' like that, and that we should take him 'ome with us. Everybody seems to want to clean this place up. What do you think love?

MARY

Oh yeah, it'll be nice to have something to do while you're at work.

JOE (QUIETLY TO HIMSELF)

Like you don't get up to enough when I'm at work. (Then) OK then, 'ere, have your tea, we'll have a bit of... whatever that is (Breakfast), wrap him up and I'll see if I can't get the trike started, how's that sound?

MARY

Yeah, smashin' babe! Ooh, nice cup O' tea!

INT. MANSION - BOARD ROOM - DAY

CESARO is sat at the head of a long oval table. He is about 65 years old, very fat, and puffs constantly on a massive Cuban cigar. Jimmy is standing at his side. Various other GANGSTERS are sitting on either side of the table. Cesaro beckons to Jimmy who has to bend down to hear him. Cesaro rarely speaks out loud, consequently, Jimmy spends most of his time bending down and standing up again. When he stands back up he is always COUGHING from Cesaro's cigar smoke.

JIMMY (COUGHING)

OK you guys, Don Cesaro calls this meeting to order (he bends down) The first order of business (He bends down) What? Oh OK, after a meeting with a very good friend (he bends down) Huh? Oh, he informs me that there is a new kid on the block that has been sent here (he bends down) sent here to put us all out of (he bends down) what? Oh yeah, put us out of business.

There are lots of LOUD comments and OUTBURSTS of anger at this news. One of the GANGSTERS stands up.

GANGSTER #1

OK, so what do you propose we do about it fatty?

Cesaro pulls a gun from his jacket and shoots the gangster. Another GANGSTER walks over from the back of the room and promptly takes his seat. A second GANGSTER stands up.

GANGSTER #2

Hey, that was my brudda, you didn't have go shootin' him like that fat...

The gangster is interrupted when Cesaro points the gun at him.

GANGSTER #2 (CONT'D)

But I must say it was a very good shot from an extremely difficult angle!

The gangster then sits back down as Jimmy bends down again.

JIMMY (COUGHING)

What? Oh yeah! Don Cesaro says he has just had a (he bends down) a what? Oh, OK, an epiphany!

Another GANGSTER stands up.

GANGSTER #3

Maybe there's something wrong with his diet, you wanna stay off the French cuisine Don.

Gangster #3 bursts out LAUGHING. Many of the others begin to join in, until Cesaro shoots him. The LAUGHTER stops immediately, and another GANGSTER walks in and takes his seat. Cesaro gestures for Jimmy to continue speaking.

JIMMY (COUGHING)

The Dons' ephipany, apilany, falimpony... the Dons' idea is that we find the little punk and shoot him, but we gotta do it fast...real fast. I mean so fast that...

Cesaro SLAMS his fist on the table. Jimmy looks very nervous.

JIMMY

All those in favor, say YES DON!

Every body stands up together and says YES DON in chorus. The Don stands up to SPEAK for the first time. He speaks in a very high pitched voice, and with a very pronounced stammer.

CESARO

Th-th-then this m-m-m-m-meeting is c-c-cl-closed. Everybody, g-g-g-get l-l-l-lost!

The remaining GANGSTERS begin to SNIGGER. Cesaro pulls out a machine gun from under the table and opens fire. The gangsters scatter in all directions.

CESARO (CONT'D)

Now g-g-get out th-th-th-there and sh-sh-sh-shoot the little p-p-p-punk.

INT. JOE'S WORKSHOP - NIGHT

Joe is making a new piece of furniture. We cannot see what it is yet. Mary walks in. She is carrying the baby in a shopping bag.

MARY

Hello babe, how's it goin'?

JOE

Oh hello darlin'. I gotta tell you, I'm knackered, but 'ere, 'ave a look at what I've made for the little ankle biter.

Joe steps back and shows Mary the new piece of furniture. It is a crib, designed like a small sleigh with wheels, and it can be hooked on to the back of the trike.

MARY

Oh babe it's lovely. It's big innit?

JOE

Well I made it big in case you find any more like him (then to himself; (God forbid)).

Mary looks down at the baby.

MARY

Look JEZ, it's your own little crib.

The baby looks out of the shopping bag.

BABY (JEZ)

Hey, not bad. I'm 3 days old and already I got my own crib, way to go pops.

JOE

'Ere, what was that you called him then?

MARY

Jez. I wanted to call him Jeremy but he wouldn't hear of it, he insisted I call him Jez.

JOE

Jez! Yeah that'll do. Jeremy's a bit of a puffs name innit eh.

BABY

Yeah, you tell her...Joseph.

JOE

Right listen, you see if he fits in there, and I'll shoot up the road and get a bottle of champagne, we'll toast to his new name eh!

MARY

Oh babe, the things you think of (She looks at the baby) ain't you lucky little Jez to have such a smashin' daddy eh?

JEZ

Oh yeah, I can hardly hold my diaper I'm so excited.

Joe walks out, and we HEAR the trike starting up with a thunderous ROAR. Mary looks out of the window.

MARY

OH look Jez, it's started snowing. Let's have a look shall we!

Mary walks over to the huge double entry doors.

EXT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT

Curly, Larry and Mo are walking down the street. Larry is smoking a joint and is still wearing his shades. He keeps bumping into things. They are all covered in snow. It has piled high on top of their heads.

MO

Why don't you take those things off huh, it's night time, you look ridiculous!

LARRY

Be cool baby, this is New York, you just gotta be rock 'n' roll in New York.

Mo looks up to the sky.

MO

Are you listening to this?

They are walking towards a small wooden built workshop at the end of the street.

MO (CONT'D)

OK, this has got to be the place. We have tried every where else in the tri-state area. If he's not here, I'm changin' religions.

As he finishes speaking, the double doors to the workshop slide open. Baby Jez is in his new crib in the center of the workshop. A single overhead light is shining down on him. His crib is surrounded by wood chippings and saw dust. It looks like a classic nativity scene. The three men look at each other in amazement.

MO (CONT'D)

Oh that's just gotta be him.

LARRY

I told you baby, follow the star, didn't I tell you, I did didn't I? I said follow the star, and here we are. Man, that sure looks pretty!

MO

Oh shut up. Come on, let's get this thing over with; my Goddamn feet are freezing!

INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT

Curly, Larry and Mo are stood in the doorway.

MO (CONT'D)

Yo, lady!

Mary looks up with an expression of complete bewilderment at what she is seeing.

MARY

Oh hello fellas, are you off to a fancy dress party somewhere then?

Mo turns to Curly and Larry.

MO

That's it, first chance we get we are changing clothes. This is New York not Bethlehem, I feel ridiculous!

CURLY

No, we ain't going to a fancy dress party you dumb broad.

JEZ

Hey, butt munch, you watch your mouth, that's my mama you're talkin' to!

CURLY (SURPRISED)

Who the hell was that?

MO

Never mind who that was. Can we just get on with this please so I can go to a bar, get a drink, and defrost my toes?

MARY

Well if you're not going to a party, then what are you dressed like that for?

MO

It's a very, very long, and strange story. Now look lady, we've come a long way looking for the new baby Jesus, and it sure would be a blessing to my feet if this was him.

MARY

Baby Jesus! No, his name is Jez, not Jesus!

LARRY

Jez, Jesus, what's the difference babe? You see our boss told us to find him here, and to give him these gifts.

MARY

What gifts?

CURLY

These gifts you stupid bitch.

JEZ

OK, that's it, I warned you chunky.

Baby Jez launches a disgustingly full, used diaper out of the crib at Curly. It lands right in his face with a SQUELCH! Larry and Mo turn and move away in disgust, heaving as they move!

MARY

Ooh, you've gone and bought him some presents, oh bless you. What have you bought him then, come on let's have a look.

JEZ

Yeah, get with the program guys, and they hadn't better be rattles and teddy bears. I hate rattles and teddy bears.

The three men look around the garage for the source of the VOICE.

MO

Well, the boss told us to get things that he would need to sustain him in his days ahead. So...I got him an Uzi, you know, just in case he runs into trouble as he grows up.

He places the gun next to the crib.

LARRY

I bought him a kilo of the Babylon home grown, you know, to chill out after lunking that Uzi around all day. Trust me, he'll really appreciate this sweetheart.

As he places a bag of what looks like grass next to the crib, he winks at the baby, who responds with a wink and a glimmer in his eye. Mary tries to usher it closer to herself with her foot.

MARY

Ooh thank you, now that's a gift the whole family can enjoy.

JEZ

What the hell you talking about? He said he bought it for me. You touch it and I'll tell pops how I really got here!

The three men stand back in amazement, all staring at baby Jez. Larry drops his joint out of his mouth.

MO

WOW! He can talk!

JEZ

Of course I can talk you jerk. Hey, does your mama know you walk around dressed like that?

MARY

Don't be cheeky you. He's a right little bleeder ain't he eh? So come on then fatty, what did you bring him then?

Curly speaks through a mouth full of diaper.

CURLY

I got condoms. The way I figure it, he's gonna be real popular when he grows up.

He puts them in the crib, out of reach of Mary.

JEZ

Hey Porky, you got any of those for my mama? I don't want any brothers or sisters popping up you know what I mean.

Curly looks at Jez with a frown!

MO

Well that's it lady, that's our job done for now, so we're gonna take off if you don't mind.

MARY

Oh, don't go yet, Joe's just gone out to get some bubbly. Stay and have a drink with us, he won't be long, after all it is Christmas innit eh!

MO

OK lady, we'll stay for a while, but do you think I could sit by that heater? If I get any colder I'll turn into a Popsicle.

MARY

Yeah go on darlin' help your self. Ooh, that sounds like Joe now.

We HEAR the sound of the trike engine ROARING down the street. The engine goes quiet, and Joe walks in.

JOE

Here we go darlin', I bought plenty so we can do the job properly.

Then he SEES the three men.

JOE (CONT'D)

'Ello fellas, fancy seeing you lot down here. Have you just come from that party? You know you could've got changed!

MO

Believe me I'm tryin'

MARY

They ain't been to a party Joe, they've bought little Jez some Christmas presents, look.

Joe looks at the three gifts. He picks up the Uzi.

JOE

Eh, this'll come in well handy when the rents due, eh love.

Then he picks up the grass.

JOE

Eh, I tell you what, this'll help pass the time of day eh!

JEZ

Hey that's mine, it ain't for limeys!

JOE

You shut your face you, you cheeky little scrote!

Then he picks up the condoms and looks at Jez.

JOE (CONT'D)

I suppose these are all yours as well are they?

JEZ

Yeah, they're off the chubby fat ass over there, the one with the diaper hangin' out of his mouth.

Joe walks over to Curly. His face grimaces at the stench.

JOE (QUIETLY)

I don't suppose you've got any left for the wife have you? I don't mean for me and the wife, just the wife, you know what I mean!

Curly frowns through a mouth full of diaper. Joe turns and looks at Mo.

JOE (CONT'D)

'Ere, are you cold mate? You should 'ave stayed in town. You know that place we was stayin' at, the Cross and Nail, it burned down just after we left. All that was left was an old B-B-Q and some fish bones.

MARY

BLIMEY! It's a good job we left when we did then eh babe? Or we could 'ave been stuck in that.

Baby Jez slaps his hand against his forehead in dis-belief.

JOE

Ah well, never mind eh, come on, let's all have a drink.

4 HOURS LATER

Everybody is smoking joints. Joe is talking to Mo about the grass.

JOE

Can you believe it, that little bleeder's charging me for this.

MO

Well it's worth every penny, this is the best I ever had. You know if I didn't know better, I would swear I heard that kid talking earlier.

JOE

Oh you ain't mistaken chief, in fact he talks so much he could be a woman, you know what I mean!

Mary is talking to Curly, who has been banished to the corner of the workshop. He is sat on a wooden crate with the diaper on his head. It is now steaming. She has the condoms in her hand and a peg on her nose for the stench.

MARY

So one size fits all do they?

Larry is sitting next to baby Jez, talking about the "grass".

LARRY

Now listen little man, we gotta make everybody believe that this is the real thing you dig. So let's keep it going. The rest of the crew are all on board baby.

JEZ

Hey no problem, I can dig it, we should have this wrapped up in a week or two, don't sweat it kid!

INT. MANSION - BOARD ROOM - NIGHT

Cesaro is sat at the head of the table engulfed in cigar smoke, and his gangsters are sitting at the sides. Jimmy is stood by the side of Cesaro. He bends down to hear what Cesaro has to say.

JIMMY (COUGHING)

Ok you guys, The Don calls this meeting to order.

Every body stops talking immediately, except one GANGSTER.

GANGSTER #4

About time too fatty, I got a dinner appointment at 9 o'clock.

Cesaro shoots him. Another GANGSTER walks in and sits in his seat. Jimmy bends down again.

JIMMY (COUGHING)

The Don would like to know (he bends down) oh yeah, would like to know what has... (he bends down) oh, OK, what has been done to find...(he bends down) to find this new guy who's gonna...(he bends down - then QUIETLY to the Don) He's gonna WHAT? Oh yeah, has anybody found this jerk who's gonna buy a business?

CESARO

I c-c-c-can't b-b-believe th-th-this. You Guys are all n-n-n-nuts. You're costing me a fortune in b-b-bullets.

Cesaro shoots Jimmy. Another GANGSTER enters the room and promptly takes his place at Cesaro's side. His mane is BOGIE. He is carrying a portable fan which he puts on the floor to blow the smoke away. The new man looks and speaks in an imitation of HUMPHREY BOGART, complete with all of his mannerisms. Cesaro points his pistol him. Bogie looks nervous.

BOGIE (NERVOUSLY)

The Don would like to know what's being done about the new guy that's trying to put us all out of business see.

One of the gangsters stands up.

GANGSTER #5

Well I heard about three fruit cakes walking around town looking for some body they call the King, so I had them followed, but it turned out they were looking for a new born baby, so we let 'em go!

Cesaro gestures to Bogie. He bends down.

BOGIE

The Don asks if you're sure it was a baby they were looking for.

GANGSTER #5

Yeah!

Bogie bends down.

BOGIE

And they called him the King huh?

GANGSTER #5

Yeah!

Bogie bends down.

BOGIE

And you let him go?

GANGSTER #5

Yeah!

Bogie bends down.

BOGIE

The Don says that's who we are looking for you idiot.

Bogie lunges for the pistol at Cesaro's' side.

GANGSTER #5

It's ok, don't bother!

The gangster pulls out his own gun and shoots himself. Another GANGSTER walks in and takes his place immediately. Bogie bends down to Cesaro.

BOGIE (NERVOUSLY)

The Don also says that I should have asked where he had the three fruits followed to before I got rid of him, because now, (nervously) on account of my dumb ass, we have to start all over again.

All the gangsters take out their guns and shoot Bogie. Another MAN enters and takes his place. This man is dressed in a pink suit. He walks and talks with very effeminate grace. His name is FAGETTI. He removes the fan, and promptly takes the cigar out of Cesaro's mouth. Cesaro is about to shoot him, but Fagetti offers him a blueberry muffin to replace the cigar. Cesaro accepts the muffin with glee. Fagetti immediately bends down to listen to Cesaro.

FAgETTI (SOFTLY)

OK my little stud muffins, the Don is asking for two volunteers to go and find the King.

Nobody volunteers. Fagetti bends down to Cesaro.

FAGETTI (CONT'D)

The Don would like to congratulate MICKEY EARS and CHARLIE EYES for volunteering.

Mickey and Charlie both stand up and begin to protest. Mickey has unfeasibly large wing-nut like ears, and Charlie wears glasses with lenses so thick that they MAGNIFY his eyes massively. Cesaro picks his gun up. Both men stop protesting immediately.

MICKEY

Well I'd just like to say thank you Don Cesaro, for letting us volunteer for this great honor.

CHARLIE (LOOKING AT THE WALL)

Yeah! What he said!

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Joe is sat watching television. Mary is holding baby Jez. Curly, Larry, and Mo are all sat down smoking what look like joints. On the television, a CNN news flash interrupts JAY LENO. On the news flash we can SEE Mickey and Charlie.

NEWS READER

And a story just in! Two known associates of notorious New York mob boss Juliano Cesaro, were arrested in Memphis earlier today whilst trying to break into Gracelands, the home of rock and roll legend Elvis Presley. A police spokesman has described the two men as near idiots, and said that they insisted that they had been sent to find the King. They say they have some friends checking out all the local burger bars just in case they've missed him. Well I'm just about as confused as I ever hope to be. Better luck next time guys. And now, onto other news...(The news reader puts his hand up to his ear piece) actually, we have just received a new development on the Memphis situation. It appears that the two men arrested earlier have been shot. Well, it's probably for the best; you can't possibly be that stupid and expect to live too long. Other news now...

Joe looks across to Mary.

JOE

Hey darlin', did you just hear that?

Mary is standing next to Curly. She is ironing some clothes.

MARY

Yeah, ain't they stupid? Are they friends of yours babe?

JOE

No they bleeding well ain't, you cheeky little sod. Nah, it said they work for that Juliano Cesaro fella 'ere in New York, you know, the geezer who's knackerin' everything up around here.

Joe stands up and nudges Mo.

JOE (CONT'D)

Eh, Mo, did you get a load of that? Two gangsters 'ave been caught trying to break into Elvis' house, they reckon they were looking for the King!

Mo sits bolt upright.

MO

Who's looking for the King?

JOE

These two gangsters! The news said they come from around here, you know, New York, and they work for that Cesaro fella.

MO

Oh Christ, (Then looking at the baby) sorry Jez! They're not looking for Elvis bro, they're looking for him.

JOE

Him who?

MO

Him over there!

JOE

Who? Over where?

Curly stands up. He is smoking a joint wrapped in a diaper.

CURLY

Little baby Jez you jerk, who the hell do you think he's talkin' about, Mickey Goddamn Mouse?

MARY (LOUDLY)

OI, LARD ARSE!

Mary hits Curly with the iron, knocking him down.

MARY

Watch your bloody language in front of little Jez, you fat git. 'Ere Joe, why would they be looking for little Jez? And what do you think happened to the presents they were bringing?

MO

I don't think they were looking for him so they could give him presents.

JOE

So why are they looking for him then? I mean, he's just a little baby. What's he got to do with them?

MO

Well, the boss wants him to clean things up a little. I mean, let's be honest, since his last little visit everything's gone to hell.

JOE

What do you mean, he's gotta clean things up? And what's all this pony about his last little visit, he's only a week old! I wanna have a word with this boss of yours. What's he do anyway, run a bloody workhouse or something?

MO

I'm afraid you can't meet him. Not yet anyway. But one day you will, that I can assure you.

JOE

Oh nice one, so what do we do now?

MO

Well, I'm gonna finish this smoke, this gear is bitchin'.

JOE

You know, i gotta be honest, it aint doin' that much for me.

MO

Yeah well it aint' supposed to...don't worry you'll figure it out.

Curly is standing back up. His diaper joint has been squashed against his face, and he has an impression of the iron on his cheek, as well as the plaster over his nose.

JEZ

Hey, we could just throw fat-ass at them, even when he ain't covered in diapers he still stinks like my butt!

CURLY

Why don't you just shut your Goddamn mouth, you little punk.

MARY

OI! FATSO!

Mary hits him with the iron again, and knocks him down again!

JEZ

Way to go mama. Just for that you can help your self to a few wet suits.

Mary takes a handful of condoms out of the parcel.

MARY

Oh thanks darlin? Ain't you a sweetheart!

Joe looks over to Jez, and gives a thumbs up as a thank you!

JOE

'Ere Mo! Just who is your boss then?

MO

The guy upstairs!

MARY

But this is an apartment Mo, we 'ain't got an upstairs 'ave we babe?

JOE

No, she's right Mo!

MO

I'm not talking about the dudes that live above you, I'm talkin' about him up there (Pointing to the sky) you know, God!

JOE

So you're tellin' me that God told you to come down here and look after my nipper?

MO

Yeah, that's pretty much it. You see, he's really the son of God.

Joe turns and looks at Mary.

JOE

'Ere darlin' this geezer reckons little Jez belongs to the fella upstairs, where ever upstairs is. What you been up to eh?

MO

No, you don't understand. Mary hasn't done anything wrong, it's by the hand of God that little Jez is here, you know, Immaculate Conception, that kinda of thing.

Curly is struggling to his feet again. He has a second imprint of the iron on his face, as well as the plaster on his nose.

MARY

Oh, that's just like the story in that book all the weirdo's read innit babe, the booble or sommin'!

CURLY

That's the Bible you stupid bitch.

Mo turns and hits Curly this time. Then he turns to Larry.

MO

Hey Larry, help me out here will you, tell these guys what the boss told us.

Larry is hanging upside down off the back of the sofa.

LARRY

Hey, I'd like to help you out brother, but it's so hard to care when you're this chilled!

JEZ

Look, don't worry, I'll take care of these guys. I got a feelin' I've been through something like this before. I just need you guys to do one little thing for me.

LARRY

What would you have us do baby?

JEZ

Well first of all Ali Baba, you can stop calling me baby, I'm the main event in this freak show. Second of all, could you roll me one of those? I think so much better with a bit of the Babylon kickin' about inside, you know what I mean!

JOE

No, no, no, no, no; absolutely not, that's out of the bleedin' question.

MARY

Yeah! Quite right too babe, if he wants one he can bloody well roll his own.

Larry flicks what's left of his smoke over to Jez. Jez catches it in mid air.

LARRY

Here baby.

JEZ

Hey, thanks brother!

Joe walks over to Jez.

JOE

Give that 'ere you cocky little sod. What the bloody 'ell do think you're doin' eh? This stuff's bloody dangerous, well for kids it is anyway.

Joe takes the joint from Jez.

JEZ

Sorry pops, I forgot.

JOE (CONT'D)

Well that's alright then. 'Ere listen Jez, this geezer reckons you're the son of God, what do you reckon eh?

JEZ

Hey, I'll be the son of Godzilla if there's a steady pay check with it.

JOE

Well do something miraculous then, magic me a pint of lager!

MARY

Ooh yeah, and I'll have a large gin and tonic babe!

JEZ

I can't do lager or gin and tonic, just can't get the hang of it some how. I could do you a nice selection of wine though!

EXT. PARK - DAY

Mary is pushing baby Jez in a buggy. Joe, Curly, Larry, and Mo are walking behind them. Curly's eyes are now black. He has two iron imprints on his face and the plaster over his nose. They are all walking at the side of a lake. There are SEVERAL PEOPLE jogging around the lake.

MARY

'Ere Joe, how come them blokes are still with us?

JOE

I dunno! They said something about how they have to follow him, and teach him fishin' or something like that. Said it was their special charge. They reckon their boss told 'em last night that they've gotta stick around to look after him.

MARY

Well can't they at least change their clothes into something a bit more, you know, manly? I mean, it's all a bit embarrassing havin' them follow us around looking like they do, people will start to talk.

JOE

I'll have a word with them when we get back. I said they may as well stay with us for a while, they might be 'andy around the workshop. They might even be able to pick up some more gear eh! Any way, I got a load of old clothes they can use.

JEZ

You may be able to help out the two little guys pops, but you're gonna need a marquee to dress that chubby fat ass.

CURLY

I heard that you little jerk.

JEZ

Well I said it loud!

A MALE JOGGER runs by as Curly SPEAKS, and as he passes he hits Curly.

JOGGER

Watch your mouth fat boy.

Curly falls into the lake.

MARY

Lard arse don't seem to learn does he eh?

JEZ

He will, he'll get it by the end of the movie mama, you'll see.

They are all walking towards a bridge that crosses over the lake, but it has been damaged.

JOE

Oh bleedin' hell! We'll have to turn back now.

MARY

Oh babe, my feet are killin' me.

JEZ

Don't worry about it pops, just keep walking, I'll take care of the water.

Mary and Joe step out on to the lake. To their amazement, they are able to walk on water. Curly has been helped out of the lake by Larry and Mo. He has a frog sitting on his head and a fish sticking its tail out of his robe. The fish begins to beat his face with its tail. As they rush to catch up, Larry and Mo are also able to walk on the water surface, but Curly sinks immediately. A CROCODILE appears, and it is gliding through the water. Curly SEES it, and begins to thrash the water in an attempt to escape it. Just as they all get to the other side of the lake, we HEAR the crocodile SNAPPING shut its jaws, and Curly SCREAMS. He climbs out of the lake. The crocodile has bitten a big chunk out of his robes, and his bare ass is showing. It begins to rain.

JOE

Oh great, that's all we need. Right come on, if we get a move on we'll make that bar before we all drown.

JEZ

Well don't worry too much about fatty, he's already wet, and I'll take care of the rest of us, just be cool pops.

Everybody else is running for cover, but there is a ray of sunshine over Joe and the gang, and them alone, all except Curly. He is being followed by a storm cloud pouring rain, and bolts of lightening are striking down on him. Everybody is heading for the same bar. Joe, Mary, and the stooges casually stroll in. They are all bone dry except for Curly, whose turban is on fire from the lightening.

INT. BAR - DAY

As Joe, Mary and the gang enter, everybody stands silently, just looking at them. They approach the bar, and the crowd all step back away from them.

MARY

Blimey Joe, why does everyone look so cross?

JEZ (PANICKY)

Cross, who the hell mentioned a cross? Don't say cross, never say cross!

CURLY

Oh, you don't like that word huh, what's the matter you little punk, does it make you CROSS? Does it make you want to bite your NAILS? Ha ha ha.

The storm cloud drifts into the bar and settles directly above Curly again. He is again hit by lightening bolts.

JEZ

One way or another Porky, you're gonna learn, even if I have to wash your mouth out with the Babylon, you're gonna learn! Hey pops!

Joe leans into the buggy as Jez whispers something to him.

JOE

Yeah, it's under your pillow.

JEZ (LOUDLY)

OK everybody, I say we stay here and ride out the storm. What say we all have a little drink, and some Babylon home grown huh? Hey, bar tender, throw a dime at the jukebox box man, and let's get this place rockin', and I don't wanna hear no nursery rhymes, you dig!

The bar tender throws a coin at the jukebox. It falls directly into the coin slot, and automatically picks out "ELVIS PRESLEY - T.R.O.U.B.L.E"

JOE

Listen my son, after our little party last night, I don't think we've got enough left for all this lot.

JEZ

Pops, relax, I used to do this with fish and bread back in the old country. There'll be enough, trust me, it'll be cool. Beside, this aint what they all think it is!

JOE

What the hell is it then?

JEZ

I'll tell you later pops, the important thing is that they all believe that this is what they all think it is, when actually it aint what they think it is, it's only what me and the boys know it is. You know what I'm sayin'?

JOE

Do you know what your sayin'?

Two broadly built MEN, dressed in black suits and wearing shades, walk into the bar. They look like typical Mafia.

People are strewn all over the bar. Some are upside down, some are lying across the tables, and some are dancing to Bob Marley SONGS.

JOE

'Ere Jez, if this stuff aint what they all think it is, but only what you and the boys know it is (Joe has a perplexed look on his face) yeah...that's right, if it aint that, what the bloody 'ell is it?

JEZ

Can you keep a secret pops?

JOE

Yeah, 'course i can.

JEZ

It's dried sea weed.

JOE

Sea weed! Well how come they're all stoned then?

JEZ

They're not pops, they just want to think they are, its all about the power of suggestion, you just gotta give 'em the feel good factor, it works every time.

JOE

Dried sea weed! Jesus Christ!

JEZ

What?

JOE

Oh sorry son, talking to myself, never mind.

The two Mafia men walk over to Joe and Mary. Larry and Mo are still trying to put out the fire on Curlys' head. The two men sit down next to Joe.

MAFIA MAN #1

You see now, we got ourselves a little problem here. My boss has got a few little issues with this little pug right here. So we're gonna take him for a little ride see.

MARY

Ooh, that'll be nice for him, he likes seein' new places don't he Joe! Can we come too?

MAFIA MAN #2

No you can't come you stupid bitch!

JEZ

Hey, Al Capone, I'm teaching fat ass not to speak like that in front of my mama, I guess I may just as well teach you too! Cloud, hit him.

The storm cloud that was over Curly moves over until it is above the two men. They both get hit with the mini lightening storm.

JOE

I don't think he want's to go with you lads.

MAN #1

OW! Well that don't make no...OW! Difference at all...OW!.

Both men pull out automatic pistols.

MAN #1 (CONT'D)

He's...OW! Goin' and that's the end of it...OW!

We SEE the Uzi stick out from the buggy. The lightening storm stops abruptly.

JEZ

Now listen smart ass, we don't like guys like you messin' up the party see, so take your butts back to the fat man, and tell him he's got 'till February 13th to get out of town, if not I close him down on the 14th, capiche. Oh, and tell him to leave off the yams, he's starting to look like a crowd with one head!

The two men put their guns away and run out of the bar.

JEZ (CONT'D)

Hey you forgot your cloud you jerks!

The cloud follows the two men, throwing out lightening bolts.

JOE

Nice one my son. I knew that Uzi would come in handy, but why do you wanna close him down on Valentines Day? I mean, it's the most romantic night of the year.

JEZ

Well, I'm sure I heard somewhere that that was the best time of year for stuff like that, you know, kinda traditional.

The crowd has grown, and the music has got louder. Everybody is chilling.

JOE

C'mon, we'd better get outta here in case these idiots come back mob 'anded.

JEZ

Give me a minute pops will ya? I wanna show these guys my moves.

Jez leaps out of the buggy, and begins to dance. He is break dancing and moon walking, and giving it "Travolta" all over the place. The crowd is going wild, CHEERING and CLAPPING as Jez finishes his routine, and leaps back into the buggy.

JEZ (CONT'D)

OK pops, I think our job is done here for now, let's hit the road. Yo! Stooges, let's go!

Larry and Mo are still trying to put out the fire on Curlys' head.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

We hear the ROAR of the trike engine coming over the hill. Joe is driving, Mary is lounging in the back holding baby Jez, Larry and Mo are sat either side of her. Curly is sat at the back in the crib, and a sign has been attached to his robe saying "WIDE LOAD".

They stop at a set of traffic lights and a group of HELLS ANGELS ride up along side them. There are eleven of them altogether. The man in front is Pete, from the Cross and Nail. He leans over to speak to Joe.

PETE

Hey, nice set of wheels man! You build that yourself?

CURLY

Of course he built it himself you jerk! What, you think Santa's Elves made it for him you ass hole!

Pete looks up to the sky.

PETE

Are you going to do something about this guy?

A bolt of lightening strikes Curly on the head, and a VOICE is HEARD BOOMING in the skies.

VOICE (O.S.)

Enough is enough Curly, you've been told a hundred times, now zip it.

Joe looks up to the sky, then back at Curly, then back to Pete.

JOE

Nice one! Yeah, all my own work. I got a 104 screamin' eagle set in the back driving two thirty inch fat boy titanium rims.

PETE

Nice job brother. Listen, we're out at a meet in the hills for the next week or so. You get a chance, you should come along, always a good time to be had. Bring the freaks in the back too, we can always use new entertainment, you dig!

JOE

You fancy that darlin'?

MARY

Ooh yeah, I love a good knees up don't I babe!

JEZ

It's not a knees up you like, It's more like a legs up in the air that you like Kitty-cat.

Mary blows Jez a kiss.

JOE

OK, you're on. How do we find you?

PETE

Head straight out on I-15, about 5 miles out there's a bar called The Resurrection, just ask for the Disciples, that's us. The boss there is a good friend of mine, he'll tell you where to go.

JOE

The Disciples, what like in the bible?

PETE

The very same!

JOE

But I thought there was meant to be 12 disciples, there's only...(he counts) eleven of you.

PETE

Well we used to be twelve, but one of our own sold out. Let his colors go for thirty bucks, can you believe that man! So we got rid of him.

JOE

Yeah, I know what you mean, you can't trust anyone these days can you eh?! OK fellas, we'll probably see you there in a couple of days, yeah!

PETE

Cool brother! Later!

The bikers ride off. The bikers are all wearing the same style cut off jackets. Their name, "The Disciples" is emblazoned across their backs with a crest that has Jesus nailing the devil to a cross.

MARY

They seem like nice fellas don't they babe!

JEZ

Oh yeah, I'm sure they're in a hurry to get to choir practice before they have to call the bingo at the old peoples home!

JOE

Don't worry my son, if we've got grass, they'll be fine!

INT. MANSION - BOARD ROOM - DAY

Cesaro is sat at the head of the table, The gangsters are sitting down the sides. Fagetti is standing at Cesaro's side. He bends down to listen to Cesaro.

FAGETTI

After the unfortunate demise of Mickey Ears and Charlie Eyes, the Don wants an emissary to go to the air strip and find PILOT, The Don's number one assassin. Tell him to round up The Centurions, those lovely little darlings from the Bronx. Then tell him to come here right away. The Don wants him to take charge of this little clean up job for him. So, it looks like you've just volunteered COCO, my little flower pot.

All eyes turn to the gangster at the far end of the table. COCO is dressed like a clown, with full face make-up.

COCO (PANICKY)

Me! Why me?

Fagetti leans down to Cesaro.

FAGETTI

The Don says he needs somebody who will go unnoticed, somebody inconspicuous, somebody who won't attract attention or try anything funny. But he simply doesn't know anybody like that, so he says you will have to do sweetheart.

His bow tie starts spinning and his red nose starts glowing.

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Joe and the gang are watching Television. Curly is now wearing a crash helmet. Joe changes the channel. There is a religious program on, and THE POPE is addressing the CONGREGATION in St. Peters square.

Curly kneels in front of the television screen, and he lifts up the helmet visor.

CURLY

Oh man, ain't it enough that we have put up with the little pug over here? Do we really have to suffer it on the television too?

An ARM clad in white robes comes out of the screen and slaps Curly through the front of the crash helmet, knocking him out again. Joe shakes his head as he looks at Curly strewn on the floor.

JEZ

Way to go papa.

The Pope gives Jez a thumbs up.

EXT. AIRSTRIP - DAY

There is a MECHANIC working on an aircraft engine. He is a stockily built man, with jet black hair that has been greased back, flat to his head. He has a face that looks like he has spent most of his life street fighting. His nose has been flattened. His name is MR.P. His head is deep in the engine compartment. A voice speaks to him. It is Coco.

COCO (O.S)

Hey buddy, I'm looking for the pilot!

MR.P

The pilot! We got dozens of pilots here, what are you, some kinda clown?

Mr.P looks up. His eyes are wide agape at the sight of Coco.

MR.P (CONT'D)

Oh! Where the hell did you come from?

COCO

Don Cesaro sent me!

MR.P

Oh,I see. You want the pilot. Well, you'd better follow me.

Mr.P leads Coco to a shed.

MR.P (CONT'D)

Some body stole his muffin this morning, so we had to lock him in here 'till he cools down. Be careful, he's a bit of an animal, and he's got a real bad temper.

COCO

Why do they call him the pilot? Has he got a plane?

MR.P

No! Rumour has it, it's 'cus he's killed 747 people.

Coco looks panic stricken. Mr.P opens the door to the shed, and pushes Coco in. We hear a SCREAM and CRASHING about. The door bursts open and Coco comes running out. His clown clothes are torn and tattered, and he is struggling to get away in his massive clown shoes. He runs to Mr.P and hands him a note.

COCO

Here give him this, it's his instructions from Cesaro.

MR.P

Where the hell are you going?

COCO

I'm going to get a job in a burger bar. See ya!

Coco runs off, still struggling with his enormous clown shoes. Mr.P reads the note. He walks over to the telephone, and dials a number.

MR.P

Yeah it's me Don, what's the job? OK!...Yeah!...Coco? He said he's goin' to work in a burger joint or somethin'. As if a burger joint's gonna hire a clown like him... Yeah, he said he was sick and tired of working for a fat, stewing, greasy haired, stinky piece of...Well what can I say Don, those were his words you know. Yeah, no problem!

He hangs up the phone and puts his jacket on. The back of his jacket has the name MR. PILOT sewn onto it. He shouts over to the shed.

MR.P

Hey Johnny, I'll be gone for a while, will you take care of things here for me?

A little man walks out of the shed. It is Johnny, from the Cross and Nail. He nods his head. A MONKEY then emerges from the shed. Johnny hands him a muffin.

JOHNNY

There you go, a nice fresh muffin for you! You've earned it, that was nice work. Did you have fun?

The monkey takes the muffin and begins to clap his hands and perform somersaults.

EXT. THE HILLS - NIGHT

It is the Hells Angels meeting place. There are hundreds of custom built Choppers scattered about. There are groups of people sat around camp fires, other groups are throwing axes at trees. There is a stage area with music playing, and SCANTILY CLAD DANCERS dancing to CHEERING crowds of bikers.

Joe, Mary, Jez, Curly, Larry and Mo are sat at the side of the stage with Pete. Curly, Larry and Mo are sat watching the dancers with their mouths open and their tongues hanging out, drooling.

JEZ

You know watching these dancers is making me hungry mama, I don't know why!

MARY

You know I think this is the quietest I ever seen fatso. Next time he opens his mouth, I'll know what I need to do!

A smile appears on Curlys' face.

PETE

So, tell me about this kid of yours Joe.

JOE

Eh! Oh, he's the son of God!

PETE

You know man, you really shouldn't joke about stuff like that.

MARY

Oh, he's not jokin', are you babe!

JOE

Nah, just ask these lads, if you can get a word out of them that is.

PETE

Who the hell are these guys anyway? You don't seem the kind of dude to hang with freaks like these.

JOE

They just showed up the night we found little Jez here.

PETE

The night you found him?

Mary looks at Pete and gently shakes her head as if to say "Don't ask"

JOE

Yeah, we was staying over at the Cross and Nail up town, you know, that place that has just burnt down, well the guvna didn't have any rooms left you see, so he let us kip down in the garage 'cus we was knackered, then I met these three idio... these fellas in the town, then we found the kid in the garage, the guvna said he knew about it and that we were supposed to be looking after him, so we took him home. Then these three came looking for him, and bought him presents for Christmas. Got us some right good gear an' all.

PETE

Let me get this straight. You found the kid in a garage because there was no room at the Inn, so you took him home and you called him Jez. Then you met three complete ass holes, who had been searching for him so they could bring him gifts, then you met us, The Disciples, and all this happened at Christmas!

JOE

Yeah! That sounds about right don't it darlin?

MARY

Yes babe. You know when you say it like that it don't half sound familiar. Was it in an episode of Friends?

Jez slaps both his hands in front of his face.

JEZ

Yo, Petey, get your butt over here man!

Pete leans over to see Jez. Pete has a joint hanging out of the side of his mouth.

JEZ

Now listen brother, I know it sounds a little freaky, but the one thing you can't do, now you gotta listen to me 'cus this is important, you can't blame the grass. I'm the real deal. And this is real Babylon home grown, you just can't get better. Here, let me help you out with that.

Jez reaches out and takes the joint from Pete's mouth. Joe leans across and takes the joint off Jez and gives it back to Pete.

JEZ (CONT'D)

Aww pops! OK OK. (Then back to Pete) Now y'all called the Disciples right, I can dig it baby, but Ma and Pa ain't exactly the tightest nuts on the bike you know! I mean they're good guys an' all, but I think they're gonna be in need of your help pretty soon, so spread the word amongst the brothers here, stay close, and I'll make sure we all have a real good time!

Pete looks completely dumb struck. Jez snaps his fingers at him to get his attention.

JEZ (CONT'D)

Yo! Petey, stay with me man!

Pete snaps back to attention.

PETE

Free grass! You got yourself a deal. Man, this really is good shit.

JEZ

I told you!

Pete turns back to Joe.

PETE

OK, now tell me how you did that.

JOE

Did what mate?

PETE

How did you get his mouth to move while you were talkin' huh? 'Cus I gotta tell you, that's a hell of a trick.

JOE

Oh no, that wasn't me chief, that was Jez. Didn't I tell he can talk?

PETE

Hey now, come on man! I mean he's what, twelve days old and you're tellin' me he can talk!

CURLY

Well of course he can talk you jerk!

A group of BIKERS dive on Curly. Joe looks on shaking his head.

JOE

Oh yeah! You shouldn't be too surprised, like I told you, he's the son of God.

Pete looks around at Mary, Larry and Mo; they are all nodding their heads. Pete then turns back to Jez.

PETE

Well I'll be God dammed!

JEZ

No you won't. I'll put in a good word for y'all OK. So! You with us bro?

PETE

Little man, you got yourself the best protection grass can buy.

Jez gives Pete a high five.

JEZ

Cool brother!

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - NIGHT

Mr.P. is walking towards a group of rough looking THUGS stood next to a huge concrete cross. The thugs are spraying graffiti on the cross. They are spraying their crest (a shield and spear) and their name, THE CENTURIONS, in red paint. Mr.P. SHOUTS to them.

MR. P.

Yo! AXEL!

A YOUTH turns around. He looks about 22 years old. He has closely cropped hair, and an ear-ring. He has a Puerto-Rican complection.

AXEL

Yo! Mr.P. how's it goin' man.

MR. P.

Cool kid. Listen up, I got one from the Don. I need you and your whole crew for a little clean up job across town. You in?

AXEL

We the Centurions man, we'll crucify the son of a bitch, who ever he is, of course we're in!

The rest of the Centurions CHEER in approval. Mr. P. and Axel punch each others fists in ritual understanding. They begin to walk into the darkness.

MR. P.

Cool kid. Hey listen, I heard about your sister, she had a baby girl, that right?

AXEL

Yeah! Two days ago. Man, news travels fast around here.

MR. P.

What she call it?

AXEL

Magdalene! Can you believe that? What kind of a screwed up name is that for a kid huh? Women! Go figure!

MR. P.

Poor kid! She's gotta grow up with a name like that!

AXEL

Yeah well, maybe when she's older she'll meet a guy who actually likes the name. I mean, I can't ever see that happenin', but, you never know dude!

MR. P.

You never know!

INT/EXT. road - NIGHT

There is a long black, Mafia style sedan, coming down the road. There are two men in the vehicle. BUGSY is driving. He got his name due to his hugely oversize teeth. FRANKIE is sat next to him. He got his name due to his "Ogre-ish" facial appearance. He sounds very "OAFISH" when he speaks.

BUGSY

OK Frankie, now you know what to do when we get there?

FRANKIE

Duh! No!

BUGSY

Don't you know anything at all?

FRANKIE

Duh! No!

BUGSY

OK, fatty told us that all we have to do is find him, and report back to Mr.P. We're not gonna kill him, we're just gonna find him, Ok!

FRANKIE

But what am I supposed to do?

BUGSY

Just be yourself; you know, just stand there looking dumb and act stupid.

FRANKIE

OK, I can do that!

BUGSY

Sure you can, you've been doin' it all your life!

Frankie gets annoyed. He grabs Bugsy's nose and twists it in his fingers. Bugsy SHREAKS and begins to lose control of the vehicle. The car swerves left and right and bounces on and off the side walk. Eventually they career off the road and down an embankment. The car comes to a stop at the bottom of a hill in a field. Through the front window of the vehicle they can SEE three men dressed very strangely sat at the top of the hill. It is the stooges

BUGSY

Hey hey hey, wait a minute! Well I'll be God dammed, that's them.

FRANKIE

Duh! Are you sure? I'm not so sure. That get up they're wearing just don't look real to me.

BUGSY

You gotta be kiddin' me! How many dudes in New York have got the bananas to walk around like that unless they had to huh? You know, I mean apart from you!

FRANKIE

Well I gotta say, I can hear these jerks talkin', and they sound like New Yorkers to me, and you said that fatty had told you that the kid was with a couple of Corknees, Blockbees, Dinglies, or some kind of nees.

BUGSY

That would be Limeys you dumb ass.

FRANKIE

Why don't you just shut up, you buck toothed, jack rabbit son of a bitch.

BUGSY

Come on you idiot.

They get out of the car, and quietly walk up the hill. We can HEAR the SOUNDS of revelry over the hill as they get closer to the top. They hide behind a tree. As they look over the crest of the hill, they can SEE the biker gathering. There are hundreds of bikes. The area is surrounded by small bonfires, and all the bikes have been arranged in such a way, that from above, they form a gigantic cross. Joes' trike is at the top of the cross. Baby Jez is sat in it with Mary. The congregation is facing them.

JEZ (LOUDLY WITH RESONANCE)

OK, so here's the deal. This Cesaro guy has got plans to take over the whole country and ruin all my pops' hard work. Now that ain't no good for what we gotta do, so I suggest we persuade him to change his ideas.

The crowd ROARS in appreciation.

JEZ (CONT'D)

Now he's gonna try and hit us, and hit us hard. What we gotta do, is keep this whole thing as open as we can. I mean tell every body what's goin' on. Show everybody how to have a real good time just by being decent to each other. That way, he can't do anything to anybody, 'cus everybody will know it's him, and even he can't take on the whole city if we're all united, you dig!

A biker in the crowd shouts out.

BIKER

But how long...

Jez interrupts him.

JEZ

Hey, hey hey. Don't just go blurting things out like that. What if somebody else wanted to say something, huh. If you got something to say, put your hand in the air.

The biker looks embarrassed. He is stood next a girl with a tight fitting top and a very big chest. He raises his hand into the air. Jez addresses him.

JEZ (CONT'D)

You there, yeah you, the guy with the long hair stood next to the chick with my supper! You got some thing to say?

BIKER

How long do you reckon all this will take?

JEZ

Just long enough for me to show him the error of his ways, and teach him and his ilk how to live his life righteously.

The biker SHOUTS out again.

BIKER

And what...

JEZ

Hand, hand, hand, damn man!

The biker raises his hand again.

BIKER

And just what are we supposed to get out of all this?

JEZ

You get to live life the way it was meant to be baby, honestly, clean, and with all the good times you can handle.

The crowd ROARS again with their approval. Jez turns to Joe and whispers to him.

JEZ (CONT'D)

Hey pops, why don't you start handin' out the sea weed.

JOE

Are you jokin', there must be nearly five hundred people here, and if they find out it's only sea-weed they'll lynch us.

JEZ

Relax man, there's plenty to go around, trust me, we got enough for five thousand if we need it! And as far as them finding out what it really is don't sweat it. Pete will make believers out of them all. I am the man pops, I really am the man.

JOE

Yeah, you're the man alright, but don't forget, I'm the daddy!

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Joe is lying on the sofa. Mary walks in carrying a tray of tea and biscuits. Larry and Mo take one each. Curly is sat in the corner with both of his arms in plaster braces. He has bandages on various parts of his body. Mary puts a cup of tea by his side, with a straw in it.

MARY

There you go lard arse, no biscuits though, you're fat enough!

She gently nudges Joe.

MARY

Here you are babe, a nice cup of tea for you.

Joe begins to wake up.

JOE

Oh my bleeding 'ead. I dunno what we wound up drinkin' with them lads last night; petrol I shouldn't wonder.

JEZ

What's the matter pops, you got a head ache?

JOE

Cor, not 'alf have I!

Jez leans over and puts his hand on Joe's head, and a moment later...

JOE (CONT'D)

Bloody hell, 'ow did you do that?

MARY

What's up babe?

JOE

Me 'ead aches gone, just like that!

JEZ

Well what can I tell you! Take your time pops, you'll figure it out.

MARY

Ain't he a love eh? 'Ere, can you do any thing just like that?

JEZ

Yeah, pretty much!

Mary leans close to him and whispers. Jez looks at Joe.

JEZ (CONT'D)

What do you expect, he's white!

Mary leans in again and whispers again.

JEZ (CONT'D)

No he can't have another two inches.

Joe looks at Mary, and then down at his crotch. Mary walks away with a look that says, "Well I tried".

INT. MANSION - BOARD ROOM - DAY

Cesaro is sat at the head of the table. Fagetti is stood by his side. Other gangsters are sitting at the table sides. There is a KNOCK at the door. Fagetti leans down to Cesaro.

FAGETTI

The Don said open the door and show them in please my lovely.

One of the GANGSTERS stands and walks to the door. He is dressed like a bell hop. Mr.P. and the Centurions walk in.

MR.P.

Heyyy! Don Cesaro, it's good to see you again.

The Don stands and shakes Mr.P's hand. Fagetti blows Mr.P. a kiss, much to Mr.P's' distaste.

CESARO

G-G-Good to s-s-see you too M-M-Mr. P-P-P-Pee!

Cesaro looks at the gangsters. Some look like they are about to start laughing, but stop when they see him looking.

MR.P.

Here you go Don, I've bought you some chocolate chip cookies and blueberry muffins, I know how much you like them.

CESARO

You-you-you-you're too k-k-k-kind M-M-Mr. P-P-...

MR. P.

Don't mention it Don, just shut up and eat 'em before they go stale.

One of the GANGSTERS stands up.

GANGSTER #6

Hey, how come he doesn't get shot for talking to you like that?

Mr.P. shoots the gangster. Another GANGSTER enters and takes his place immediately.

CESARO

Any m-m-m-more stupid que-que-questions?

The gangsters sit silently. The Centurions look on, nodding their heads in appreciation.

MR.P.

OK Don, these are my boys, The Centurions. They know this city better than anybody, so if this guy's here, they'll find him.

There is another KNOCK at the door. The bell hop gangster opens it. Bugsy and Frankie walk in. The Centurions look at them as though they are complete freaks.

BUGSY

Don Cesaro, Mr.P., I think we may have found him. He was over on the far edge of town, up by the Mount. He was hanging with a group of hogs. We followed him back to an apartment block in the Bronx. It had to be him. He's traveling with three really weird looking dudes.

AXEL

Weirder looking than you!

Cesaro and Mr.P. begin to laugh, the other gangsters follow suit including Frankie. Bugsy looks at Frankie.

BUGSY

I don't know why the hell you're laughing, they're talking about you.

Frankie grabs Bugsy in a head lock and twists his nose again.

MR.P.

Frankie let go of his nose, he's got enough problems lookin' the way he does with out you addin' to it. Did you get a good look at him?

Frankie lets Bugsy go. Bugsy is trying to reshape his nose, and he answers in very NASAL TONES.

BUGSY

Well kinda, I think. He was talking to all the hogs.

MR.P.

What did he look like?

BUGSY

Well he kinda looked like, like, kinda like a little baby, you know, all cute and fat, but with a baby bottle in one hand and what looked like a joint in the other.

MR. P.

That's gotta be him, you two are too stupid to make up something like that.

FRANKIE

Yeah, we know boss!

AXEL

Hey, them hogs! Was any of them called the Disciples?

BUGSY

Yeah, now you come to mention it, they were the ones right at his side, almost like a guard of honor.

MR.P.

What's your point kid?

AXEL

Well JUDE here (he beckons one of the Centurions to the front), he used to run with the Disciples, but he left and joined us 'cus he reckoned they were getting' too soft, you know, helpin' people and shit.

MR.P.

You don't say! So you will know where they hang out, right!

Jude is about 25 years old. He has ear-rings in his nose, his ears, his lips and in his eye-brows.

JUDE

Yeah, they hang down by the old fair ground next to the zoo. The cops don't bother them 'cus they're helpin' to fix the place up. They got one of them new age priests working down there with 'em, he stands in the water shoot shoutin' all kinds of crap at people, and then throws water at 'em. I tell you, it was getting kind of embarrassing you know what I mean!

AXEL

Hey Mr.P, if all we gotta do is take on a priest and some fruit cake hogs, we can go down there tonight and finish this.

Mr.P looks down at the Don. He is busy stuffing his face full of cookies and muffins. Blueberry juice is running down his chin. Mr.P has a mild look of distaste on his face.

MR. P.

OK! Here's what we'll do!

EXT. JOE'S APARTMENT BLOCK - DAY

The Disciples park their choppers out side the apartment block. People are sat on the steps, and some are lying across cars, they all appear to be spaced out. To one side of the apartment steps, there is a group of PRIESTS, all smoking sea weed, and SINGING "OH HAPPY DAY".

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Joe, Curly, Larry and Mo all are playing poker. Along with his many plasters and bandages, Curly has now got tape stuck across his mouth. The poker stakes are varied. The table is strewn with condoms, bullets, Mary's underwear, and sea weed joints. Mary walks in with a tray full of whiskey, and a baby bottle of milk for Jez. She takes her place at the table.

MARY

Where's little Jez babe?

JOE

Oh he's in his bedroom, I put him in his cot for a kip, he looked all tuckered out, the poor little sod.

MARY

Aww bless him. I'll take him his bottle in later then, I don't wanna disturb his sleep.

JOE

You mean you've got a dynamite hand, and you don't wanna miss the chance of fleecin' us!

MARY

Well yeah, that too babe, it's your own fault though, you taught me too bloody well didn't you eh! Right, who's go is it then?

JOE

Yours darlin'! Larry has just bet his bandanna.

MARY

Well I'll see your bandanna, and raise you...two photos.

LARRY

Wait a minute, I wanna see 'em first.

Mary shows Larry the photos. Larry's eyes open agape at the photos.

LARRY

Hey Curly, lend me your turban, I got her beat, I'll split the photos with you.

JOE

'Ere, let's 'ave a look at them darlin'!

She shows Joe the pictures.

JOE (CONT'D)

Oh yeah, I remember these; blimey darlin', you weren't half bendy when you were younger!

There is a KNOCK at the door. Pete walks in, followed by the rest of the Disciples.

JOE (CONT'D)

'Ello fellas, you found it alright then!

PETE

Yeah, it wasn't too hard, every body around here looks stoned, we just asked for the Babylon factory and they sent us here! What you got goin' on there? You playing poker?

JOE

Yeah, pull up a chair, sit in.

The Disciples all gather around the table. They pull out their stakes, and throw them on the table. There are knives, guns, knuckle dusters, grenades and Pete pulls out some more photos of Mary. Joe looks across at them both.

JOE

How did you...? When did...?

Pete looks at Curly.

PETE

Hey Joe, who taped up the fat boy?

JOE

Oh that, he did that to himself, I think he's getting' fed up of everybody hittin' him! His mouth's his biggest problem, best thing he could've done really.

PETE

Yeah I know what you mean! Listen Joe, I want y'all to come with us, we got a little surprise in store for the kid.

MARY

What! More presents?

PETE

No baby, it's much better than presents.

JOE

You ain't found some grass 'ave you, only my stash is getting a bit low you know what I mean.

PETE

No, I'm afraid it ain't grass either, but that ain't for the lack of looking!

JOE

Yeah, OK, no problem, but I told a mate of mine that I would meet him this afternoon about some furniture he wants me to build for his dead uncle.

PETE

Coffin huh?

JOE

Yeah, how the hell did you know he was coughin'? Anyway, I didn't ask too many questions, it can all get very confusing you know what I mean! But listen, if we see him first, then we can carry on to where ever you wanna go.

PETE

OK brother, let's go!

MARY

Ooh, I'll just wake little Jez up and give him his bottle babe, OK.

JOE

Yeah, Ok darlin'

Mary walks to Jezs' bedroom.

MARY (O.S. LOUDLY)

JOE! JOE! COME HERE QUICK!

Joe rushes to the bedroom, closely followed by the Disciples. Mary is standing by the crib.

JOE

What's the matter darlin'? What's up?

MARY

It's little Jez, he's gone!

JOE

What do mean he's gone?

Joe walks over to Mary, and looks into the crib.

JOE (CONT'D)

Bloody hell, he's gone!

MARY

Oh babe, what we gonna do?

Pete walks up to Joe and Mary.

PETE

OH man!

Curly then appears at the doorway, and takes the plaster from his mouth.

CURLY

Take it easy Joe, I think I know where he is.

JOE

What do you mean you think you know where he is? Have you got something to do with this? 'Cus if you 'av I'll bloody well ....

CURLY (PANICKING)

No look!, this was on the floor by the door.

Curly hands Joe a note.

CURLY (CONT'D)

It says it's from the Centurions. They say they have taken the kid to the Don. Oh this is bad, I'm real sorry Joe!

Joe looks at Curly with bewilderment.

CURLY (CONT'D)

I know I say at lot of things, but I actually quite like the little punk...I mean kid.

Mary walks over to Curly.

MARY

Aww, come here fatty.

Mary kisses him on the cheek.

PETE

Don't worry guys, we'll soon have him back. We kinda expected something like this might happen.

JOE (angry)

WHAT! You knew this might happen. Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me or do something about it then eh? He's just a little baby, he can't be expected to look after himself can he eh? He could be in real danger. We gotta do somethin', and fast. If I ever get my 'ands on the bastards that did this I'll bleedin' well ki...

Pete interrupts Joe mid sentence.

PETE

Take it easy Joe. All this has been pre-arranged, well most of it anyway.

Joe grabs Pete by the collar in fury.

PETE (CONT'D)

Wait, let me explain.

Joe relaxes his grip on Pete.

PETE (CONT'D)

Do you remember the innkeeper at the Cross and Nail?

JOE

Yeah, what about him?

PETE

Well he told you that not only was he expecting you guys to show up, but the kid too right?

JOE

Yeah, that's right, how the hell did you know that?

PETE

We was there Joe, all of us. You see, he told you that you guys had been chosen as his guardians, and we have been sent to watch over y'all. You see, we've known about the kid since the get go, we know just who he is, and what he's been sent here to do. I mean the fact that he can talk was a bit of shock, but everything else we pretty much knew about.

MARY

What the bleedin' 'ell is he talking about babe?

JOE

Hang on darlin', this is all startin' to make some very disturbing sense. OK then, so tell me a), what's goin' on, and b), what we're gonna do about it.

Pete begins to explain.

PETE

Everything you have seen so far is for real, we've had to play along until something like this happened, we didn't want you guys to

feel...(FADE OUT)

INT. MANSION - BOARD ROOM - DAY

Cesaro is sitting at the head of the table, with Fagetti at his side. Baby Jez is sat in a high chair opposite him. A blindfold has been put on him. The other gangsters are present as usual. Fagetti speaks.

FAGETTI

Right then my darlings, the Don wants to know what we should do about the little cherub here.

All of the gangsters answer at the same time, giving a SOUND of indecipherable rabble. Little Jez lets out an ear-splitting SCREAM. Everybody immediately falls silent.

JEZ

That's better. Now one at a time guys, and don't be shy, let's see how you guys really work. GO!

One gangster stands up.

GANGSTER #7

Well I say we mail him back to Bethlehem, or where ever the hell he comes from.

Another gangster stands, and others follow suit in order.

GANGSTER #8

No, that aint the way, it cost too much, and you can't rely on the U.S. Mail anyhow, Fed-ex might work though.

GANGSTER #9

Nah, it'll all take too long, why don't we just put him in an orphanage, that's where I grew up and I turned out OK, I bet you in a few years he turns out just like us.

Jez's head is snapping from side to side as each gangster speaks.

GANGSTER #10

Well I say we send him to a circus, they just love little freaks like him, and I know they'll never let him go. We'll never hear from him again. What do you say Don?

Cesaro beckons to Fagetti. Fagetti leans down.

FAGETTI

The don says he has a better idea. Something from the old country, the very old country. (He starts jumping up and down, and clapping his hands) Oh it's going to be such fun, I can feel it in my water luvvies!

CESARO

G-g-get down t-t-to the z-z-z-zoo b-b-boys, and g-g-get th-th-things r-r-ready.

Cesaro is smiling as the rest of the gangsters begin to chuckle sinisterly.

EXT.POOL HALL - DAY

The trike and eleven choppers drive in to the parking lot. The pool hall is called 8 BALLS.

INT. 8 BALLS - DAY

The pool hall is in total disarray. Tables and chairs are strewn about the place; lights and mirrors have been smashed, and people are lying injured on the floor. The room is very smoky. Joe and the whole gang walk in. They carefully step over the debris.

JOE

Bloody hell, what's happened here? Have you been cooking in here darlin'?

MARY

Not me babe, it must this lot in here, smokin' the bong!

Joe looks around for his friend.

JOE

Well, I can't imagine my mate stayin' around in this mess for too long. Listen Pete, let's go eh, we should we be out looking for little Jez anyway?

PETE

Just cool down brother. Don't worry, everything is in hand.

JOE

Well if you say so, but I hope you know what you're doin'. Well I suppose we may as well 'ave a knock around on the table, what do you say Pete?

PETE

Rack 'em up brother.

Joe clears the mess off the table, and the game begins. Joe is obviously out classed, as Pete pots ball after ball.

JOE

Well I see you've played before, 'ow about we make this a bit more interestin', say the loser buys the beer!

PETE

You're on brother.

Joe breaks off to a new game. Every ball finds a pocket in sequence, all off his first shot.

JOE

Works every time!

PETE

Well I'll be damned. You're a Goddamn hustler, and that proves it.

JOE

Well it looks like your round then Pete.

PETE

No, that chubby fat ass, he's round, but I'll get the beer!

A MAN walks up behind Joe and pats him on the shoulder. It is Joe's friend, GABE. Gabe is in his 50's, he is tall, handsome, and lean. He has pure white hair that is immaculately groomed, and a snowy white beard. He speaks in very soft tones.

JOE

Gabe, where you been? I've been lookin' for you for months.

Mary looks very nervous at the sight of Gabe.

GABE

Sorry Joe, but some thing came up!

Mary looks to the sky, biting her bottom lip.

JOE

Yeah, seems to be a lot of that going on at the moment. That reminds me, 'ere, have some of these.

Joe gives him a handful of condoms.

GABE

Listen Joe, I was in here earlier, there was a group of guys asking about the kid. They seemed a bit over interested in him if you know what i mean. It was them that wrecked the place. They said it was done with Cesaros' compliments.

JOE

Oh bleedin' hell, they must have heard about the grass. At this rate I'll have none left at all.

PETE

Hey Gabe, how's it goin' brother.

JOE

Do you two know each other?

GABE

Sure we do, we go back a long, long way.

PETE

It's OK Joe, he's all a part of what's goin' on here. He's one of the god soldiers. Was it who we expected Gabe?

GABE

Yep, Cesaro, ably assisted by the Centurions!

JOE

Bloody 'ell, does everybody know what's goin' on except me and the wife.

Joe looks across to Mary. She has an embarrassed look on her face.

JOE (CONT'D)

Oh bleedin' 'ell, not you an' all!

MARY

No babe, I don't know, well not all of it anyway, I mean I know some, but definitely not all. Gabe came to me about nine months ago, and told me what was goin' to 'appen, but I just thought he was messin' about with me.

JOE

Oh I know he's been messin' about with you!

MARY

YOU KNOW! Well then why the bleedin' 'ell didn't you say somethin'?

JOE

Well I could hardly moan about that could I, I mean that's 'ow I got you in the first place, when you was seeing my mate MOOSE back in England. Besides, if I'd have said anything you might have buggered off and left me, and I love you too much to lose you darlin'. I know, pathetic aint I, but you're everything in the world to me babe, well you and little Jez.

MARY

Aww babe, you've said anything like that before.

Mary walks up to Joe and kisses him passionately. Curly, Larry and Mo all have tears in their eyes.

JOE

'Ere 'old on girl, there's people watchin', we don't want 'em selling bloody tickets.

GABE

That's why you were chosen Joe. We've always known the sort of man you are deep down. I gotta say, the old man up stairs made the perfect choice with you guys.

JOE

Hang on a minute...tickets...that's just given me an idea. 'Ow about if we can get these idiots that took our boy down to the fairground, we could sort 'em right out down there.

PETE

That's exactly what we had in mind Joe.

JOE

Is it? The fair ground! Nice one.

GABE

Hey Joe, while you're here, I need a new bed makin'. I've worn out the old one. You know they just don't make 'em like they used to!

Mary looks to the sky again.

JOE

Eh, now listen Gabe, I'm under standin' an' all, but let's not get carried away eh! Right then, I suppose we better get movin' Pete.

PETE

Lead on brother.

GABE

OK, I'll see you later guys.

Gabe walks over to Mary. Instead of the customary kiss on the cheek, Gabe French kisses her. Pete and Joe look on.

JOE

Friendly sort o' geezer ain't he!

Pete looks a bit stunned.

PETE

Friendly! Yeah that's the word all right.

INT. MANSION - BOARD ROOM - DAY

Cesaro is sitting at the head of the table. Fagetti is stood at his side. All of the other gangsters have gone. Baby Jez is sat opposite Cesaro, in his high chair. He is still wearing the blindfold, and he is surrounded by strings of garlic. The room is decorated with upside down crosses, and pictures of demons.

JEZ

What the hell is that smell?

FAGETTI

That's the garlic cherub, that's what's stopping you from gettin' all feisty, you know just keepin' you down in case you decide to get up!

JEZ

You know you might just as well try a hunk of Cryptonite. Garlic only works on vampires, and even then it's only in the movies. Was school closed out when you was a kid huh?

FAGETTI

I'd be a little careful about how you talk to us my darling, the Don's got some very special plans for you already, and believe me, you don't want him making things harder for you.

JEZ

So what you gonna do huh? Throw me to the lions, shove a stake through my heart, and what's with the blindfold guys?

FAGETTI

The blindfold is so you cant recognize us sweetie, believe me I'd like you to see the way we have decorated the room for you, it'll give you a pretty good idea of where we're going to send you. And how did you know about the lions poppet, who told you?

JEZ

My pop, and before you ask, not the little pop, the BIG pop, you know, the guy upstairs, the big cheese, the circus master, the big tomali, the top bana.....

Fagetti interrupts Jez mid sentence.

FAGETTI (WITH VIGOR)

What on earth are you talking about? Why don't you just shut up and act your age. Can't you suck on a dummy or something?

Cesaro chuckles.

JEZ

I would, but your boss has got the only dummy here, maybe you could ask him, he might be able to help you out, you know what I mean!

Fagetti is beginning to get irate.

FAGETTI

Oh let's do it now Julie, let me take him down there myself, let's see if his sweet little pop will be there to save him.

JEZ

Oh don't worry guys, my pop'll be there, he's everywhere, aint you ever been to Sunday school, or even just school?

EXT. FAIR GROUND - DAY

The Disciples are riding into the fair ground, Joe, Mary and the stooges are following on the trike. There are many hogs and choppers there already. They all stop their engines and gather at the entrance to the water shoot.

JOE

So now what do we do?

PETE

Take it easy Joe, we just sit and wait. Don't worry, the boys will take care of everything, right guys!

The disciples scatter in all directions around the fairground.

PETE (CONT'D)

Now when they hit us, this is where we gonna lead 'em to OK.

JOE

What, the water shoot? I thought we was supposed to be gettin' my boy back, not givin' these monkeys a free day at the fair.

PETE

Man, you gotta learn to chill. Gabe has gone to fetch the kid as we speak. I told you, everything will be cool brother.

INT.MANSION - BOARD ROOM - DAY

Cesaro and Fagetti are still at the head of the table. Jez is still in the high chair. Fagetti is shaking rattles at Jez, much to Jezs´ increasing annoyance. All of a sudden the table begins to shake. The upside down crosses on the wall begin to fall.

JEZ

Oh boy, now you've done it! Guys, take my advice and get the hell outta here.

FAGETTI

Oh dear, Julie my love, what do you suppose is happening? Everywhere is getting very unnecessary. (He looks to Jez) What have done you naughty little pixie?

JEZ

Oh it's not me guys, I think this is my uncle Gabe, and he aint gonna like the way you've been treatin' me.

Cesaro gestures to Fagetti, who in turn, leans down to listen to him. Fagetti stands up again, and looks very nervously around at what is happening in the room.

FAGETTI

Yes Julie darling, I think you could be right.

Fagetti pulls on a rope at the side of the door, and the floor begins to rotate. After a 180 degree turn, Cesaro and Fagetti are in a secret room.

INT. SECRET ROOM - DAY

FAGETTI

Oh that's much better my little stud muffin, but what do we do now?

CESARO

We just w-w-w-wait h-h-here, the boys w-w-will get us o-o-out when they g-g-get b-b-back.

FAGETTI

w-w-what ever y-y-you say b-b-beautiful.

Cesaro chuckles.

CESARO

At l-l-l-last, some body I can h-h-h-have a d-d-decent c-c-conversation w-w-w-with.

INT. MANSION - BOARD ROOM - DAY

The table has stopped shaking and the crosses have gone back to the wall, but now they are facing the right way up. Gabe walks in.

JEZ

Hey is that you uncle Gabe.

GABE

Yeah it's me kid, you OK?

JEZ

Yeah I'm cool. Are we clear?

GABE

Yeah, where are they?

JEZ

I don't know, you may have noticed I got a blindfold on! Help me out here will you.

GABE

Sure kid, hey what's with all the garlic, what were they planning to do, cook you?

JEZ

Nothin' would surprise me, it's been a hell of a day. Listen, I think they have got a little surprise party goin' on down at the zoo, we need to warn the guys.

GABE

That's all been taken care of, Pete's on the case, he'll handle it just fine I'm sure. But what about these guys here?

JEZ

Don't worry about them just yet, I'll take care of them later, but I want to make sure all his guys are back here first you dig!

GABE

Whatever you say baby.

JEZ

Jeez, another one playin' it fast and loose with the baby jibes. It's Jez OK, just make it Jez. Come on, let's go.

Gabe takes Jez in his arms from the high chair. The room begins to shake as they both fade to invisibility.

EXT. FAIR GROUND - EVENING

The fair ground is closed, but the lights for the rides have been turned on. Pete and Joe are standing by the water shoot.

PETE

OK Joe, take him in.

JOE

Take who in?

PETE

The kid!

JOE

What kid?

PETE

The kid behind you.

Joe turns around and sees Gabe holding little baby Jez in his arms.

JOE

Bloody hell! Gabe, 'ow d'you get him back then. (Joe looks to Mary) Eh darlin', look who's back.

Mary turns and runs over to Joe.

MARY

Oh my poor little baby. Oh Gabe, thank you darlin'.

Mary showers Gabe with kisses. Joe looks on a little embarrassed. Mary stops and turns to Joe.

MARY

Oh babe, I'm sorry, I was forgettin' myself for a minute.

JOE

That's al-right darlin', I'm just glad he's back.

MARY

Yeah babe, he's back to us, his mom and dad. It's me, you, and little Jez forever babe.

JOE

You sure that's all you want darlin'? I mean I won't stand in your way if you wanna....you know....

MARY

Oh Joe, no babe, it's you, it's only ever been you. I mean Gabes' an angel an' all, but nothin' ever 'appened between us babe, I swear, I only ever wanted you darlin'.

JOE

I know you bleedin' well swear, I hear it all the bloody time!

GABE

She's right Joe, I am an angel!

JOE

Eh, now don't you start.

MARY

No Joe, you don't understand babe, he really is an angel. So you see, nothin' could ever 'ave 'appened between me an him. Even if I did want to...which I didn't...honest. Sorry Gabe, no offense!

GABE

None taken. It would never have been allowed anyway. Here Joe.

Gabe slowly unfurls his angel wings as he gently hands Jez to Joe. Joe looks at him with bewildered awe.

PETE

Joe...Joe....HEY JOE

Joe snaps back to reality.

PETE (CONT'D)

Go on Joe, take him in.

JOE

Take him in where?

PETE

Take him in to see my man over there.

Pete gestures to the water.

JEZ

Yeah, come on pops, don't worry, it'll be cool.

JOE

I'm not worried about it being cool son, I'm worried about it being bloody freezing. That water'll freeze the nuts off a brass monkey.

JEZ

Hey pops, have you ever seen a brass monkey?

JOE

No, and I really don't care too much about turnin' in to one neither!

PETE

I thought you limeys were a sea fairing race, you know, the Dunkirk spirit and all that jazz.

JOE

Dunkirk was a bloody beach you dough-nut. Well...come on then; I suppose I've done dafter things than this, but for the life of me I can't remember what.

EXT. HILL - DAY

From the top of a hill, Cesaro's' gangsters are watching the events unfold. They watch as the Centurions move in from the zoo, and they watch as Joe takes Jez into the water.

GANGSTER #8

How the hell did he get out?

GANGSTER #9

I don't know, but we better get back to the Don and make sure he's OK.

The gangsters all leave as Joe carries Jez in to the water. There is a little man in the water in front of him. The water comes up to the man's chest.

EXT. FAIR GROUND - EVENING

Joe is carrying Jez through the freezing water.

JOE

Bloody hell, it's f-f-freezin' in here. I think my nuts have just fell off!

JEZ

Here, hang on to these pop, these'll heat you up.

JOE

What are they?

JEZ

It's some of the photos I won at poker!

Joe does as he is told.

JOE

Oh yeah. So it's not just cold water that makes you go stiff then eh?

JEZ

You know sometimes, you really don't have to share every little thing with me pops.

As Joe gets closer to the man, the water is still only just up to Joe's waist. The man looks vaguely familiar to Joe. It is Johnny .

JOE

'Ere, you're that fella from that bar that burned down ain't you? What was it called, the Cross and Nail or something?

JOHNNY

Yes, and you are the gentleman that burned it down. I had a nice little business going there, I wasn't hurting anybody, and now, thanks to you, I have to spend all day up to my testicles in freezing water, just to earn a shilling.

JOE

Eh I'm sorry mate, I had no idea. Anyway listen, thanks for passing on that message, the lads are over there, you probably won't recognize one of them though, his face is all bandaged up. What are you doin' in here anyway?

JOHNNY

Well if you'll just hand me the child, I'll show you, you know before we all freeze to death or drown!

Joe hands Jez to Johnny. Johnny looks down at Jez.

JOHNNY

It's good to see you young man, it's been a long time.

JEZ

Hey, it's been so many years I lost count. How's it goin' Johnny?

JOHNNY

Well it could be better, but at least we have some adventures coming our way. So tell me, how's your mother?

JEZ

Oh she's OK, but I gotta tell you, pop's getting' a little worried about the way things are goin' down here, so he's asked me if I would take a look around and sort out the sinceres from the crocodiles, you know what I mean!

JOHNNY

Well, there's certainly enough to keep us both busy here for a while, naturally anything I can do, just say the word.

Johnny turns his back to Joe.

JOHNNY (CONT'D)

This shan't take a moment Joe.

JEZ (WHISPERING)

Hey Johnny, you don't still do this with just water do you?

JOHNNY

What else?

JEZ reaches in to his baby wrap, and produces a half bottle of scotch.

JOHNNY

Oh my boy, you remembered, after all these years.

JEZ

Like I could forget! Do you remember that night when we all sat round the table eating? Man, we was hammered that night.

JOHNNY

Remember it, I think I still have a copy of the picture I made of it somewhere. He reaches in to his shirt and pulls out a sketch of "The Last Supper".

JOHNNY (CONT'D)

Yes, here you are! I knew I had it somewhere.

JEZ

Hey, I was a pretty good looking dude. My hair was a little long, but hey, it was all the fashion back then.

Johnny takes a big gulp of Scotch and pours some over Jez's head.

JOHNNY

There you are my child, now you're really back in business.

JEZ

Thanks Johnny.

JOHNNY

Now listen my boy, I've been hearing all kinds of things about...about...

JEZ

About what Johnny?

JOHNNY

About this sea weed from the old country. But I can't seem to find any anywhere, do you have any ideas?

JEZ

I got more than ideas bub. Let's get out of here, my pop'll get you some. Apart from that my butt is freezing.

Joe, Johnny and Jez all come back out of the water. Johnny puts Jez back in to the trike next to Mary. She leans down and whispers to Jez.

JEZ

Yeah mama, sorry, but he's that small all over!

Mary turns her attention to Joe, who is shivering.

MARY

Are you alright babe?

JOE

I think you need some new pictures darlin', I'm freezing my jacobs off here.

MARY

Oh come and sit down next to me babe, I'll soon warm you up!

Joe climbs in to the back of the trike, closely followed by about a dozen other men.

MARY

No! Just Joe! I'll see you lot later!

JOE

Eh?

Johnny walks over to Pete.

JOHNNY

You know I've been keeping my eye on Mr.P, he's Cesaro's top assassin, and he's forming quite a little army to take on the lad here.

PETE

Well we figured.

JOHNNY

Apparently he's enlisted the help of The Centurions as well. That's one of the toughest gangs in the city, and it seems that they know all about your movements down here.

PETE

The Centurions! Yeah we lost one of our own to that bunch of ass holes last year. They may have inside information about us, but we got the one thing they ain't got, and I know it's the one thing they are gonna want, right Joe!

JOHNNY

The child?

JOE

Nooo! (He takes out a joint) Grass! Well sea weed, but they don't know that....yet!

JEZ

Hey Pops, give Johnny a blast will you, it's been a while for him.

Joe gives Johnny a huge joint. Johnny begins to smoke and as he does he also begins to levitate. Pete grabs Johnnys' ankles.

PETE

Hey listen Joe, while I keep Johnnys' feet on the ground, the guys wanna hear what the kids got to say. How about it?

JOE

Eh Jez, fancy givin' this lot a bit of chat?

JEZ

Well, it ain't exactly OPRAH, but sure, why not.

PETE

They've set up an area at the top of the water shoot kid, so every body can see you.

MARY

Joe, you better put some more clothes on him, I don't want him catchin' a cold from that bloody water.

MO

We'll take care of it.

Curly picks him up. A slit has been opened in his bandages so he can speak.

CURLY

Come on, this way, your highness!

JEZ

Hey, I knew you'd catch on sooner or later. Way to go chunky!

Joe, Mary and the Disciples walk up to the area that has been prepared for Jez. There is a baby's high chair that has been crafted into a throne. It is lit up with hundreds of candles.

MARY

Bloody hell Joe, this is all very nice innit eh!

JOE

Cor, not many, it's fit for a bloody King this lot.

Curly, Larry, and Mo are walking towards the throne with Jez. Jez is being shielded from view.

MO

OK guys, he's ready. Announce, announce.

Pete raises his hands in the air, ushering the crowd to be silent.

PETE (LOUDLY)

People of the free world; for years we have searched for a better way to live, away from the corrupt politics of a world governed by greed, oppression and expensive grass. Then three weeks ago, our deliverer came to us, ready to fight repression, crime and speeding tickets. This is the man. We, the Disciples have listened to his inane ramblings, but we don't care, 'cus he has bought us FREE GRASS! (Then under his breath to Joe) well sea weed anyway, but they don't need to know that!

The whole crowd ROARS in delight.

PETE (CONT'D)

People of the free world, I give you Baby Jez - our new King!

The TUNE "ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA" begins to play. Curly, Larry, and Mo remove the curtain shielding Jez from the crowd. The crowd explodes in CHEERS and WHISTLES. Jez is dressed in a baby Elvis Presley jump suit.

JEZ

You're a beautiful audience, thank you very much.

EXT. ZOO - NIGHT

Mr.P. and The Centurions are moving quietly around to the back of the the throne. There is the SOUND of CELEBRATIONS goin on. Axel reaches around the back of the throne, and tries to grab Jez. He fumbles around but Jez has gone. He puts his head around to see what's going on. Curly is stood there with a very used diaper in his hand. He slaps it straight into Axel's face with a SQUELCH, and ties it up behind his head. Curly and Pete grab each of Axel's arms and hurl him down the water shoot. Axel comes to a stop at the bottom of the shoot. Johnny is there. He baptizes him and thrusts a joint in his mouth.

JOHNNY

There you go young man, join the club.

The other Centurions rush forward to find Jez. They come face to face with hundreds of MEAN LOOKING BIKERS. A fight breaks out. The hogs are throwing the Centurions down the shoot from all angles, one by one, as they stop at the bottom of the shoot, Johnny, baptizes them and shoves a sea weed joint in their mouths.

Gabe is stood at the side of the shoot. He is keeping score on a black board of the people coming down the shoot. His list reads "CONVERTED" and "LOST CAUSE". As Johnny puts a joint in to one mans mouth, the Centurion spits it back out. Gabe duly notes him down as a "lost cause" and he gets sucked down a drain.

A group of Centurions are sneaking up behind Johnny. A group of very shapely BIKER GIRLS walk up behind the Centurions.

GIRLS (TOGETHER)

Oh boys!

As the Centurions turn around, the girls lift up their tops to them. The Centurions all look totally dumbstruck as the girls approach them. The Centurions smile in anticipation. Then, in unison, the girls knee them all in the crotch and deliver right upper-cuts to them, sending them flying through the air, and landing right in front of Johnny. As Johnny does his thing, we hear a KER-CHING as Gabe reaches a tally of twenty on his score board. He gives Johnny a thumbs up.

The other Centurions begin to run away. They clamber over the walls and into the zoo. Their escape is halted when they come face to face with a group of monkeys. The Centurions scatter in all directions. The monkeys are swinging from tree to tree, grabbing Centurions as they go, and throwing them to each other. One by one, they are thrown to Johnny.

One of the Centurions runs through a gate and closes it behind him. He begins to taunt the monkeys. He HEARS a GRUNTING SOUND behind him. He has locked him self in a cage with a silver back GORILLA. The Gorilla is smoking a joint. The monkies are chattering and doing somersaults.

INT. MANSION - BOARD ROOM - NIGHT

Cesaro is sat at the head of the table, Fagetti is at his side. His gangsters are all sitting down along the sides of the table. They are all wearing bullet proof jackets. Cesaro is stuffing his face with a chocolate Gateaux. It is smeared all around his face and mouth. There is a knock at the door. The man leans down to Cesaro.

FAGETTI

The Don says open the door please darling, it's probably Mr.P.

The bell hop gangster opens the door. Baby Jez is wheeled in on his baby high chair by Curly. He is still dressed as Elvis, and is now wearing shades. Joe, Larry, Mo, and the Disciples, are all stood behind him. Cesaro looks up, and the Gateaux drops onto the table.

CESARO

Wh-wh-wh-what the f-f-f-f...

JEZ

Hey, Mr. Slim fast 2013, don't even think about using that kinda language. Damn Curly, this dude's fatter than you.

The gangsters take out their guns, and point them at Jez.

JEZ (CONT'D)

Hey, be cool guys, relax.

Jez claps his hands, and the table splits in two from end to end. The two halves move side ways, pushing the gangsters up against the wall. The Gateaux falls to the floor. Jez is pushed towards Cesaro by Curly. Curly looks down longingly at the gateaux.

CURLY

What a waste!

Cesaro is staring at Jez with his mouth open. Fagetti puts his hand under his chin, and closes it for him.

JEZ

Hey, chunky, how'd like the table gag huh? My buddy used to do that with water, pretty cool huh!

FAGETTI

Who on earth are you people?

CURLY

Who the hell are we? We're the three bears, who the hell are you?

JEZ

Snappy come back porky, I like it! Hey man, ain't it obvious, I'm the king! I tried to tell you before but you just wouldn't listen.

FAGETTI

The King, the king, I don't think so pumpkin, I think you may be suffering from delusions of grandeur darling. Here, let me see if I can help you with it!

Fagetti takes his gun and tries repeatedly to shoot Jez, but the gun won't fire. He turns the gun to look down the barrel.

JEZ

Oh I wouldn't do that if I were you.

We HEAR A BANG (O.S.) as Fagetti shoots himself.

JEZ (CONT'D)

I told you!

As the other gangsters are struggling behind the two halves of the table pressing them up against the walls, the door bursts open. Mr.P. staggers in. His clothes are torn and he is dripping wet.

MR.P.

Don! Are you OK?

CESARO

We-we-we-well, I-I-I-I don-don't kno-kno-know wha-wha-wha- what's go-go-go-go-goin' on-he-he-he...

Jez looks at the Don with his eyes wide agape.

JEZ

You know, it's a pity you don't stutter like that when you're eating, you'd be about three bellies lighter!

MR.P. draws his gun and tries to shoot Jez. He pulls the trigger, and water comes out. A single bullet then falls out of the barrel and on to the floor. The Disciples all pull out their guns and point them at Mr.P's head. Mr.P. has a look of stricken fear on his face. Jez turns to look at him.

JEZ

Hey now come on man! That's not very nice. Now listen, Mr.P. ...Hey, what does the P stand for anyway?

MR.P.

Pilot, it's my name!

JEZ

Pilot! Have we met, seems I know that name from somewhere. Anyway, as I was Saying, you got no call to be pullin' a gun on me, it ain't gonna do you no good anyhow. Now we got a choice here, either you can get with the program and toss the heater, or I'll have to give my little friend down stairs a call, and you can vacation at his place. What'll it be huh?

MR.P.

Well I'll be dammed if I'm gonna join a soft ass organization like you got workin'. Listen you little punk, do you have any idea how hard I had to work to get where I am today, Do you know what I am you ass hole?

JEZ

Yeah, you're ugly all day!

Jez looks down at the floor.

JEZ (CONT'D)(LOUDLY)

Hey...Yo LUCIE, you down there man?

A VOICE GROWLS back a reply.

LUCIFER (O.S.)

What do you want? Hurry up, I'm eatin' down here, and stop calling me Lucie, my name's Lucifer you jerk!

JEZ

What ever! Listen, I got a dude who says he's too tough to join my outfit up here. He also says that you're an ugly, red faced, lyin', cheating, double crossin', bad breathed, scum sucking son of a rancid slime ball, and the only thing you got going for you is heat all year round.

LUCIFER (O.S.)

Hey, tell him thanks!

JEZ

So do you wanna take him, keep the sides a little even?

LUCIFER (O.S.)

Yeah, why not! He sounds like my kinda guy. I think he'll fit in pretty good down here.

JEZ

OK, here he comes! Hey Junior, take this, just so there's no hard feelings OK!

He throws a joint to Mr.P.

MR.P.

You got a light?

JEZ

Don't worry, you can light it down there.

Jez clicks his fingers, and the ground starts to shake. A hole opens up directly underneath Mr.P., and he falls into the depths. The hole seals itself. Jez turns back to Cesaro.

JEZ

OK fatso, your turn. Now I can dig the scene you got goin' here man, but you're goin' about it all wrong. You're taking it all too seriously, you don't need guns baby, what you need, apart from one hell of a diet, is this.

Jez throws him a joint. It is already lit, and it lands in his mouth. Cesaro begins to smile immediately.

JEZ (CONT'D)

Now you just have your self a toke on that kid.

PETE

Hey Boss, the truck's here!

Jez looks at the other gangsters.

JEZ

OK guys, let's get with it. Are we cool?

They all nod together.

JEZ (CONT'D)

Come on guys, shout it up like you got a pair. Are we cool? Say yes Little J.

GANGSTERS (TOGETHER)

Yes little J.

JEZ

Way to go guys. Right, lets get fatty loaded onto the truck. Here you go guys, you're about to meet my mama, you'll need these.

Jez throws them all some condoms. Joe is about to say something, but stops himself. Then...

JOE

Oi, don't I get any?

JEZ

Of course you do. Here you go pops, these are extra large OK!

Jez throws some condoms to Joe.

JOE

Nice one my son!

Joe walks over to the Disciples and holds up his condoms.

JOE (CONT'D)

Extra large; he-he; 'ave it!

EXT. ZOO - NIGHT

Cesaro is being lowered into the water shoot by crane. Johnny is waiting for him. He has a table of rolled sea weed joints by his side. The converted Centurions are performing synchronized swimming in the water shoot. Every body is in a real party mood. Mary is sat on Joe's knee. Gabe is combing his angel wings. Little Jez is sat in front of a record deck. He is "SCRATCHING" the record to cue.

JEZ

Way to go guys. OK boys, let's hit it!

MUSIC begins to play. It is "JESUS CHRIST - SUPERSTAR"

JEZ (CONT'D)

Hey, I'm hungry, will some body go out and get me a burger! (Then as Elvis) Thank you very much!

FADE OUT