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IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT
By Eric Dickson

GENRE: Horror
LOGLINE:

A wide eyed Texan moves to LA, loses her first acting gig, takes a job at a grocery store and becomes the target of a maniacal midnight caller. 

IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT

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Jim Boston

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Jim Boston

Eric, I like this one! Thanks for posting!

Eric Dickson

Good stuff! Thank you, sir! I just rewrote it after eleven years. I've been threatening to fix it for years and I finally got it done this week. I'm glad it worked for you.

Rob Dunphy

SCREENPLAY REVIEW--

The first read was exceptional smooth. An easy to follow plot, consistent tone, the dialogue was perfect, a great surprise ending, and no shortage of twists. Great use of foreshadowing hints. The reader especially loved how the cops kept getting it wrong. The script was near flawless, well balanced sentences made action and dialogue easily digestible, perfectly formatted. In the vein of Scream.

The plot works brilliantly, and this script is tight. These suggestions are MINOR but are just worth considering as options to ratchet up tension, or to possibly smooth subtext.

P2 – Maybe add, while Graciella is fishing for her keys, the CAR chirps, the doors unlocks, she looks around and sees nothing, guessed she may have bumped the keys in her purse, digs deeper. Then the keys are tossed.. It may fit better with how the Man in the Mask, surprises her, gains access to the Impala.

p3 – I always like the Dead Cat bounce. Masked Man punches her Whap! Graciella’s, light's out, head RECOILS into the window, gravity takes over, her head lifelessly falls upon the steering column, blood already trickles from her ear.

p5 – Instead of a Tow Truck hauling away burnt-out wreckage consider: two enraged motorists in a shoving match. A shove, one falls back onto Scarlett’s car, his head slams into the hood, leaving a tuft of hair in the air flow intake vent, rolls off the hood, falls unbalanced to his feet. Fists up. The melee returns to the breakdown lane. No one stops to help or break this up.

p8 – Two chicks lifting heavy furniture? Maybe work Jason’s help in exchange for a beer. What you have works too.

p20 – “No, it feels wonderful.” Great line.

p21 – Writer can remove this line “If I had a car, I’d go rent out a mailbox” and the following line.

p22 – Scarlett knew the boyfriend was cheating before she left for LA? Slightly confusing. Maybe drop “right now” and infer Past Tense.

p28 Manny “After you’re done….” A little jagged and could be rewrote.

p29 – “I stock shelves, Brad” great line. Later, “stop doing that.” Awesome.

p35 – Consider swapping sequence of dialogue – after Chris “thing for criminals”, Scarlett “You jealous” THEN “she rings his lunch” then “I’m surprised”

Disco Vampire Sluts. Wonderfully visual.

p49 - Officer gives her his “home” phone? Maybe work.

P74 – The confrontation between Chris and Nate on the dock. What was Chris’s goal? A little heavy on the homie/holmes. Was the reason because Chris lusted for Lucia (jealous), wanted to avenge her death, or just wanted to know. If Chris wanted to seek the truth, this could be escalated to a shoving match were Chris boosts Nate’s phone. This would eliminate the slightly odd possibility that Chris has access to Everything.

p75 – Employee folders? Scarlett’s is missing. How about it’s there but are smudged fingerprints across her photo? In retrospect, why would Brad take a folder to which he has ready access?

Chris lifts Nate’s phone from his locker. Revisit the p74. Odd for people to leave there phone Anywhere.

p79 Brad –“ the only reason you are still here..” -this really works. The reader wondered why Brad didn’t call the cops when Chris is rifling employee records, taking Nate’s phone etc. In retrospect, the reader now knows why Brad didn’t call.

p82 – Impala drops Graciella and then runs her over. Epic.

The reader loved the recurring line “Welcome to LA.”

p108 – Bonnie – “What can I say, Officer? I fell of my bike.’ Another great line.

p112 – The hammer falls, a great whodunit. At this point the reader was still guessing and really enjoyed the hits, twists, and mystery. The writer did a phenomenal job with subtle foreshadow with Brad’s creepy stare at Bonnie, and rubbing his sore shoulder. This really worked well for me.

p114 – Bonnie “Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Think less of me?” The reader would have expected a more constructive answer. Possibly a better reason?

p114 – Knock on the door and Scarlett tosses the phone, Again. Maybe a Dead Battery, or it’s in the kitchen charging, she goes to bathroom, leaves it on the sink?

p115 Doo-wap man under the bed? Whoa!

Doo-wap grabs Scarlett – where’s the box cutter? You can’t grab someone with a box cutter in one hand.

p117 – "You’re in good hands here." Odd, she’s with Chris, he’s a hero of the moment, but the cops are convinced he's still a creep. Maybe Coswell asks her, and She makes a spot call that Chris deserves a clean-slate?

p122 – Brad’s silver magnum. Cops are likely to have taken that… How about when Bonnie leaves “I won’t be needing this anymore.” and leaves Scarlett a gun? May trigger re-writes upstream. How about the bat? Is she brute enough to crack him with that?

p123 - Killer! Great ending.

Two minor typos in the entire script. P31 – Coswell – typo “formal complaint."

Is it worth risking the complexity and mystery by leaving additional breadcrumbs for Brad? Maybe he's lifting groceries, leaves with something he is known not to like, but maybe Graciella was known to enjoy? He had to feed his prisoner, right?

I really wish I could offer you more, but you are well on your way. Amazing work. I hope this helps.

Best,

Rob

Rob Dunphy

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