THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
Post your loglines. Get and give feedback.
TROUBLED WATERS
By Johnathan Burns
When the daughter of a wealthy businessman discovers the truth behind her father’s demise in a mental asylum, the same enemy that put him in the grave turns their attention to her in a bid to finally steal the family fortune.
SYNOPSIS:
Troubled Waters follows the adventures of a young woman discovering her father’s mysterious past buried in an abandoned mental asylum. Under the guidance of a family friend, Elle digs into secrets buried with her estranged father only to discover horrifying truths and a corporate conspiracy worth millions. Having finally unveiled the truth, even those she has learned to trust are not who they seem and what began as a dig into her past may well bury her too.
Register / Log In
Rated this logline
Replace the period with a comma. (Logline = 1 sentence). :)
1 person likes this
This one is a GREAT start, too. However, we do need to know who "she" is; the protagonist is our window into your story, so we need to spell out the essence of these characters in our loglines (ie: "a disgruntled marriage counselor", "an enterprising Girl Scout", etc.).
We could make both the obstacle and the stakes clearer. Right now, we're being a little too vague and mysterious about what they are, which is a GREAT thing for taglines. But, loglines need to be abundantly clear story-wise from start to finish.
Again, though! This is a rad start :)
Rated this logline
1 person likes this
I like your artwork..........
Rated this logline
1 person likes this
"Mysterious history" is good, but I'd mention something about whatever is buried in the mental asylum that you mention in the summary. That's a better hook, because otherwise it's too vague, I feel. Otherwise, it's good. :)
Rated this logline
Rated this logline