Sounds interesting, John Erwin! I wouldn't want to mess with Sir William Parks KCMG! Catchy title.

Your logline is more of a quick pitch/tagline. I suggest adding more info to your logline. Here’s a logline template that might help: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s title/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s title/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).

Loglines are one or two sentences. A one-sentence logline sounds better, and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. Try to keep your logline to 35 words or less. Long loglines can make producers, directors, etc. pass on a project.

Avoid using “must” in loglines. “Must” usually means the protagonist is forced to do whatever they need to do in the story instead of doing it willingly. You might need to use “must” in a logline though, like when the protagonist is forced by another character to do something. Using “must” to choose between two options is fine.

Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like Mission: Impossible).

Sometimes I put the location and date that the story takes place in instead of the inciting incident if it’s a Period Piece script.

All stories don’t follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow the template. The series logline for a TV show can follow this template, but the pilot logline and episode loglines for the show might not.

Thanks for the information, this log line was a bit of a rush job to get a competition entry in with my first 10 pages.

You're welcome, John Erwin. Your logline's a lot better. I suggest telling what the extreme measures are if they don't make the logline too long. I think "If they’re lucky, they’re dead before Sir William Parks starts shovelling in the dirt" would be better in the synopsis and/or pitch than the logline.