Screenwriting : Can I get some advice on this logline? Thank you! by GJ Harvey

Sounds like a great story, but the logline is too long: When a computer geek discovers mind-altering AI at a detention center, she fights to expose the truth to the unsuspecting population.

This reminds me of an old Monty Python sketch where the housing authority hires a hypnotist to convince people they're living in a brand new public housing high rise. When a resident expresses doubt about the building's existence, the "building" begins to collapse with residents yelling at the non-believer, "take it back! take it back!!" Sounds somewhat like an update on that theme.

Maybe focus solely on the main character’s motivation and less on the antagonist’s.

A female computer-geek must disarm an AI-program in an immigrant detention facility to keep the migrant flood going.

That's interesting, but as Vikki suggests, your logline is too long. Some say 26 words should be the max for a logline, but I allow myself up to 33, so ... It reminds me of the Philippine government's ironic and lame attempt to hide Manila's slums from the delegates to an international conference on poverty. Here is a link to the story:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/little-fixing-philippines-hides-slum-behind-wall-ahead-poverty-conference-flna750249

It reads too long. IMO... It needs to feel quick and straight to the point. Bring out what's most important to your story. You want to reveal what it's about but without having going into every detail.

I would do something like this using your logline as the foundation.

"A computer whiz discovers that an elite cabal plans to use mind-altering AI to fool the world that poor living conditions are luxurious after a successful trial at a migrant detention facility." (32 Word Count)

And even this could possibly still use some work. Anyhow, happy writing.

I like the second part of your logline, GJ Harvey, but I think the first part is too long.

GJ Harvey Of course almost all writing can be improved by using active rather than passive sentences, which usually results in less words as well. For example, instead of the wordy passive sentence,—"she is forced to fight an elite cabal and their plans to expand the tech to fool entire populations."—she fights an elite cabal ...

Hi Greg! In my opinion the logline is too long.

GJ Harvey for me, Greg, the middle part is too clunky. it flows well to that point and then the flow stops. Keep on keeping on, Greg.

I have no idea what this is about but try to pick another word besides migrating it needs to be connected to an emotion. either use mask poor or falisify not both use either elite cabal or their plans not both. Also max of 25 words would be great. best of luck good first try

Thanks everyone - appreciate you sharing your feedback!

“A computer geek uncovers an elite cabal are using mind control in their AI to misrepresent living conditions in their growth industry of immigration detention centres and falsify financial accounts.” Just my 2 cents.

The story starts when she discovers the AI. So let’s drop everything before that. AI is getting tired before it even starts, just my opinion. But you have two bad guys, AI and a Cabal.

A woman discover that AI is being to disguise horrific conditions in a migrant camp, she …… but …… before they can extend their deception globally.

So what would they be hiding at a global level?

If everyone is living in bad conditions, there is no hiding that.

This is all super helpful and really demonstrates the benefits of peer feedback - thanks everyone! Latest version:

"When a tenacious journalist discovers mind-altering AI is being used to mask horrific conditions in a detention facility, she must fight to expose an elite cabal and their expansionist plans."

Great job, GJ Harvey on the new version.

GJ Harvey Much better.

Poster art...

I had to google what Cabal means.

Me, too Dan MaxXx . Glad I wasn't alone.

You're welcome, GJ Harvey. Your logline is much better. Maybe change "an elite cabal and their expansionist plans" to "an elite secret faction and their expansionist plans"

Mark Deuce Thanks, that'll work too :-)