THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
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FIRE LAKE
By Mark Miller
Thomas will go to Hell to get his family back in Fire Lake.
SYNOPSIS:
Fire Lake is a thrill ride story of a local High School football hero whose dreams were shattered by in a final game accident. With his dreams shattered then stuck in a dead-end job and a loveless marriage to his High School sweetheart he loses his son and wife to a find them later in the mystery of the evil of Fire Lake. He attempts to free them from the gates of Hell that is hidden in the mountain surrounding Fire Lake along with the towns tough no nonsense sheriff. This story will take you on an adventure that will thrill you every moment and will scare the hardest horror audience.
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That is not a Logline. It's not even a haiku.
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In an attempt to get his family back (to/in) Fire Lake, Thomas first faces hell.
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I'd read this.
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Thomas literally goes through Hell to get his family back.
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I like the concept, Mark Miller! And the stakes are really high!
I think your logline needs some more info. Here’s a logline template that might help:
“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”
Loglines are one or two sentences (a one-sentence logline sounds better and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it). You can add the antagonist in the logline.
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”
Avoid using names in a logline (unless it's a Biopic or a famous story -- like a fairy tale). Use an adjective and the protagonist's position/role instead of a name.
Avoid using “must” in loglines because “must” sounds like the protagonist is forced to do whatever the goal of the story is (instead of the protagonist doing it willingly), and “must” doesn’t sound active. Audrey Knox (a TV literary manager) also said this during a logline review webinar on Stage 32 (https://www.stage32.com/webinars/The-Write-Now-Challenge-The-Logline-Rev...). Instead of using “must,” use “attempts to,” “fights to,” “struggles to,” “strives to,” “sets out to,” “fights,” “battles,” “engages in,” “participates,” “competes,” etc.
Example #1:
“After a group of dog criminals arrives in a small town, an impulsive dog sheriff defends a dog treat factory so they won’t steal food that’s meant for hungry dog families.”
Example #2:
“A dysfunctional couple works together to survive against bears after they crash on an abandoned road miles from help.”
NOTE: Not all stories will follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow this template. The pilot logline and episode loglines for a TV show might not follow this template, but the series logline could.
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I can't tell you how much I appreciate the feedback
Thanks you
You're welcome, Mark Miller.