THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
Post your loglines. Get and give feedback.
LESIONS
By Stanley Ray
A young government investigator pursues her career-making case to an abandoned factory, where she falls prey to a reclusive industrialist who suffers a horrific yet life-prolonging skin affliction but has lost his wealth and his sanity.
Register / Log In
Hi there, Stanley! I think that you have a lot of interesting ideas here, for sure. However, the logline itself could use some tweaking as it doesn't quite sound cohesive right now.
I'd love to know why this woman is tracking down this man, and how precisely she's "becoming prey" to someone if he's simply a "reclusive industrialist". Is he a "reclusive industrialist with a long rumored violent streak" (or something to that effect)? And this skin affliction is a fascinating and TERRifying concept, but it doesn't feel like it corresponds with the same kind of story that we're telling in the first half of the logline. I'd love to read and feel that each of these elements in your logline all belong in the same story, if that makes sense.
Really intriguing premise, though!
Rated this logline
Angela, thank you for your thoughtful comments.
Rated this logline
Angela, maybe this version, along with the title and genre, paints a more compelling picture (with a little irony thrown in for good measure.)