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A CHRISTMAS YOU'LL NEVER REMEMBER

A CHRISTMAS YOU'LL NEVER REMEMBER
By Matt Hausmann

GENRE: Drama, Comedy
LOGLINE:

A grandma of an upper-middle-class family dies before Christmas, and now it’s up to her daughter to save the tradition when her numbskull husband accidentally spikes everyone’s drinks with marijuana edibles that threatens to ruin the holiday.

SYNOPSIS:

It’s the magic and beauty of the week before Christmas in Cleveland, Ohio. Happy shoppers fill bustling stores, people skate around an ice rink, snow falls as Christmas lights pulsate and the decorations sparkle. Carolers sing at the doorstep of a cozy home. The predominant singer of the group is Marion, a vibrant, classic grandma. She is sad to share that her family won’t be joining in on the caroling this year and hopes that one day they will come together to reinvigorate their Christmas cheer. Moments later, while singing, Marion grabs her chest and collapses.

It's comical chaos at the Stevens’s household. Robin, a stressed realtor, juggles a phone call with a buyer and makes dinner for her family. Her daughter, Cassie, is a newly divorced single mom trying to comfort her 2-year-old, Tia, who throws a temper tantrum. Robin’s son, Steve, is a recently fired line cook. And her youngest, Nicole, is a rebel hipster, who, unbeknownst to her parents, plans on moving to Los Angeles with her girlfriend instead of going to college. Robin’s children argue endlessly while her husband, Jason, is too absorbed in watching the football game on his phone to notice. Robin has just about reached the end of her patience when she receives a phone call informing her of her mother, Marion’s, cardiac arrest.

The family races to the hospital, and moments before Marion passes away, they discover a note, leaving her renowned Christmas store to Robin along with a gold key that seemed to magically appear in her hand. The family reminisces in Marion’s magical Christmas shop before closing it for the holiday when Robin finds a list titled “Marion’s Perfect Christmas” and makes one final promise to her mother; to uphold her tradition and make this Christmas the best ever. Now, for the first time, Robin will oversee the Christmas tradition. Despite her family’s concern for her lack of Marion’s cooking skills, Robin refuses to cancel Christmas and sets out to honor her mother.

The days quickly pass, it’s Christmas Eve, and the day of Marion’s funeral. The family somberly sports ugly Christmas boutonnieres and corsages in her honor at the overly holiday-decorated funeral home where tons of townspeople pay their respects. Things go south as Jason, Steve, and the pallbearers accidentally drop the coffin. Robin’s efforts to pay her respects are in constant competition with her husband’s loud eating, her children’s constant bickering, and Cassie’s crying daughter. As they’re about to leave, they run into Robin’s judgmental mother-in-law, Lorraine, who polishes off a martini and totes her white Shih Tzu accompanied by her third overly tan husband, Monty. Having little faith in Robin’s cooking and organizational skills, they assume Christmas is canceled. Robin convinces them to keep the family tradition alive and they all squeeze into Robin’s car to head home. On the way, the overweighted car bottoms out over a speed bump, sending parts of the exhaust flying into the street. They’re pulled over, Robin’s forced to do a sobriety check, and Officer Shockley issues her a ticket for unsafe driving.

The family arrives back at the Steven’s house where things continue to go helplessly and hilariously wrong. They have a run-in with their annoying neighbors, Lorraine and Monty grow increasingly drunk, and the traditional dinner Robin has so tirelessly been cooking ends up being ravaged by their dog and a clan of raccoons. The family must resort to ordering in. At dinner, Jason serves a specially concocted drink, which includes, after a horrific mix-up, cherries from Nicole’s girlfriend that have been spiked with tincture, leaving the entire family beyond intoxicated. The house is invaded by the returning raccoons that demolish the second dinner all while Robin still strives through her intoxication to make this the best Christmas ever. Determined to continue crossing traditions off the list, the family embarks on an ever-failing mission of building gingerbread houses, a snowball fight, Twister, and surprisingly, beer pong. The escapades end with the house looking like it’s been ransacked; there are holes in the walls, food has been thrown everywhere, and spilled drinks on the carpet. After a funeral for Steve’s electrocuted cat, the house is flooded. In one final attempt to keep to tradition, Robin drives the family to see the park lights: an outing that, while magical, leads the entire family to prison. Before their neighbors eventually bail them out, the family addresses their quarrels and reinvigorates their Christmas cheer while in jail.

They make it back home and decide to open their presents when, after Jason heats up a tinfoil-covered casserole in the microwave, their house and third dinner are burnt to smithereens. On Christmas Day, the somber family opens the salvaged presents in the remains of their burnt-down living room and, despite it all, celebrate their best Christmas ever just by being together. They head down the street and sing Christmas carols to the other neighbors on a joyous Christmas day.

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