Hi, I’m Debra Holland, a psychotherapist, corporate crisis and grief counselor, and the author of The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving. I’m also a New York Times and USA Today bestselling fiction author, who’s slowly adapting some of my books into pilots and screenplays.
I spoke with Ashley about posting in several of the lounges where the Stage 32 community could discuss our reactions to the fires burning the communities surrounding Los Angeles. Most of us are experiencing collective grief over the devastation, powerlessness to mitigate the disaster, concern for those who’ve lost everything, discouragement for how we can possibly rebuild what was lost, fear and anxiety for what might happen individually and collectively with future fires, and concerns for how this will impact the entertainment industry, which has already suffered from the pandemic and the strikes.
I want this post to be a safe place for people to share feelings, where I can give people needing support some ways to process their emotions, as well as some coping tips. I want people to know they weren’t alone in their feelings and reactions. I want commenters who will be supportive of each other.
In our Stage 32 community, we have people who’ve lost their homes and possessions, those who’ve evacuated, but whose homes are still standing, those who live in the Los Angeles area who are watching the fires with horror, those who used to live in LA or have visited and feel a connection, and those who live in other parts of the country and world who dream of being part of the Hollywood entertainment community.
The fires aren’t over. The Santa Ana winds will return soon, stirring up existing fires and, perhaps, fanning the flames of accidental or deliberately set fires in other parts of Los Angeles, San Fernando, San Gabriel, and Orange Counties. Those who live here are feeling on the edge for what may happen next.
The truth about loss is we don’t have a lot of words of comfort, which for people who want to (or do) make their living through writing or bringing words to life may seem like a strange statement. Yes, everyone can feel grateful that they (and hopefully their pets) are safe. They can tell themselves (and others will tell them) that all they’ve lost is stuff. They will say that things can be replaced, which is probably true for about 75% of our possessions and our homes. Yet, the rest is irreplaceable and will be mourned over and over again. The loss of our safe (and often beloved) spaces is gone, perhaps forever.
So, here in the comments, and elsewhere when you talk to or comment on someone’s story or experience, instead of trying to fix their feelings of grief and loss, be with them in their powerlessness and in your own. If you are having an in-person conversation, show with your presence, your expression, the look in your eyes, the listening noises you make, that you are a safe person for them to confide in. In your verbal or written responses validate their feelings by using the words, “I understand.” Then fill in what you understood.
For example: A friend is mourning their favorite art piece.
You don’t say, “You will find another piece you like just as well.”
You do say something like, “I understand you’re mourning that painting of the ocean, which always hung in your bedroom, no matter where you lived. I remember you once told me that you saved for months to buy it, and how it always gave you a sense of peace. I know that piece of art can’t be replicated, and maybe you’re wondering if wherever your bedroom is in the future, you’ll always be reminded of the loss.”
The person might not have said all those words. But you can infer some of them through the context of their share, any past knowledge you have of your friend, and what you might feel in the same circumstance. You might even be helping them realize an emotion they hadn’t yet tuned into, such as their future fears or a deeper meaning to the piece than they realized.
As you share in the comments section, please leave out blame, especially political blame. The fires were caused by a whole host of factors, mostly the extreme high winds. Anger is normal. Wanting to find a target for our anger is normal. It’s also counterproductive for our mental health.
At a time when we feel so powerless, anger makes us feel more powerful. Often, we use anger to leap over other, more vulnerable, feelings such as fear, anxiety, despair, sadness, or shame. If you’re angry, see if you can slide your anger to the side and see what other emotions might lie underneath. Allow yourself to feel, express, and write about those feelings.
After the fires in 2020, I wrote a Medium article about coping after a fire. It’s pretty extensive, so I’ll give you the link, instead of adding more to this post.
https://debraholland.medium.com/coping-after-a-fire-a307ac4825c3?sk=c7be...
I’ll pop in to comment when I can. In the coming days, I anticipate doing a lot of crisis and grief counseling. I also have a book preorder due for publication at the end of the month (which I might have to postpone.) If I don’t answer right away, please know that a response will be coming.
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I would say 1st person if you are the narrator.